KCTW

Miley

2010-05-04T21:30:00.001-07:00

You are now 17-years-old Ms. Miley Cyrus, so only months away until you are not a minor and I can FINALLY punch you in the face. You are allowed to freely punch other adults right?

Corn Hole Is For The Sexy & Liars

2010-04-20T14:26:00.001-07:00

I got suckered into playing corn hole a few weeks back with Jenn at some school function fundraiser for her area schools. It turned out to be fun. The Buds were $2 and the hot dogs were $1. For anyone who doesn't know what corn hole is, it is a game of (Fart noises!) and also (Fart Noises!). True skill.

Anyhoot, let's skip past the boring part and get to the goods. Everyone knows there are ALWAYS great and exciting stories with corn hole and it is tough for me not to sit down and write all the great things!

(what Jenn? A 1997 rerun of Law & Order is on? BE RIGHT BACK)

8 months later ...

(OK BACK)

First, I was the only person to lose 3 times in a double-elimination tournament. It turns out Jenn was equally (way, way worse) as bad. Jenn and I were eliminated first out of 28 teams. Which, was the goal of some old dude that was talking with us. He wanted to leave all fast like but we definitely beat him to the punch. We were about ready to leave when this one other old dude had to leave and was leaving his partner cold. I decided to be the replacement because the other guy was really good and could potentially carry me to corn hole glory.

Fast forward to the final four where I was with this guy and we went up against the kid and his mother. They both play a lot. Mom played with a beer in hand. Kid was dead serious. They both were quite good. If I had a corn hole scale that judges talent ...FART NOISES!

After we lost 25-3 (game up to 21), I walked over the the son and starting talking with him. He was a big military meat (6'2 220?), about 21 I think. Very nice kid, but he did something I thought he would do after talking with him for awhile. Maybe I can smell a lie hours before it can happen? Maybe I set him up for it, but it happened.

CASEY: Hey man. You are good. Your mom is good too.
MILITARY MEAT: yeah thanks. We've been playing for a long time. Ever since I was about 8-years-old.
CASEY: Cool. You must throw it correctly. I see you spin it sideways.
MILITARY MEAT: yeah my grandpa taught us how to play right and stuff. My grandpa has been playing since World War II. Him and some buddies would get out there and play a lot, then he taught me and my mom. We are a corn hole family.
CASEY: Oh wow. Very nice. (baiting) I didn't know it was around that long.
MILITARY MEAT: Yeah. He and a couple of other guys played a lot during the war.

wait for it ...
wait for it ...
Kid's face is jittery. Reading to pop something out ...

MILITARY MEAT: Yeah he pretty much invented the game, but didn't get patents and all that. You know

(Ahh. There it is!)
CASEY: Mmm Hmm. Yeah.

One More Day

2009-08-13T06:19:00.001-07:00

My final day in my 20's.
My final day of looking at teenage girls without being super creepy, and only regular creepy.
My final day of saying my baldness is due to DNA and not age.
My final day of wearing capri pants.
My final day walking into Target without my shirt.
In 1979, President Jimmy Carter said "Everyone who ever turned 30 died."
My final day (gunshot)
$%#!
Maybe 30 brings better aim.

Black Eyed Peas

2009-06-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

From Slightly Innovative to Embarrassing, Over-Produced, Money Grabbing & Laughable: The Story of The Black Eyed Peas.

They have been around for 11 years now..and were around for two albums before Fergie. Yes, they were slightly innovative. They were hip-hop with a live band. Had a lot of songs that sounded like A Tribe Called Quest.

Listen Example:

http://www.amazon.com/Joints-Jam-Explicit/dp/B000WOXONY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1244829459&sr=8-1

Then something happened. An evil cloud draped the skies. A demon reached his hand down and dropped a jar of Nads (hair removal), a bottle of rat poison and Fergie. The Nads went on to cause shrieks from thousands of ladies, and men who want to be ladies. The rat poison killed a litter of baby kittens. Fergie killed a little bit of music for millions. For you zombies, I'm sure it is a bit of life for your musical lifelessness. It will prompt you purchase the next Sean Combs super group from MTV. And another thing! It is zombies like you that make it ok to justify things with statements like, "But you would do it for millions of dollars." Of course I would take the money, but the option shouldn't be there.

Casey

Wait..so how isn't this public?

2009-06-05T06:07:00.000-07:00

Check out the last line in the article...

AP Source: GM to sell Saturn brand to Roger Penske

DETROIT – A person briefed on the deal says General Motors Corp. will sell its Saturn brand to former race car driver and dealership chain owner Roger Penske.

GM has scheduled a 9 a.m. EDT conference call with Saturn General Manager Jill Lajdziak. The person briefed on the deal said Penske will be on the call.

Penske has said his company, Penske Automotive Group Inc. of Bloomfield Hills, Mich., is interested in the Saturn brand.

The person briefed did not want to be identified because it has yet to be made public.

AP News on yahoo.com ...good thing it is not public yet.

This really makes me mad

2009-05-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

If you want to believe in your religion, fine.
If you want to believe your "natural" remedies will work with illnesses in your religion ...fine.
If you do not believe we should turn to drugs at every turn to make us feel better. Fine.
If you put your beliefs into someone who does not, and more importantly can not know better, and you risk that person's life ...you should be shot dead in front of the town.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_us/us_forced_chemo

Love This Headline

2009-05-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

(AP today)

Pakistan dropping commandos into Taliban stronghold

G.I. JOE men right?

Perhaps The Most Ridiculous Waste of Money, Article

2009-04-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090428/sc_livescience/soundsscarescrawnypeoplemoreeasily

Let's go over the points to this article:

1. The title is called "Sounds Scare Scrawny People More Easily"
2. The first line is "Scrawny people tend to think approaching sounds are closer than do strong people, a new study found."
3. Now let's look at the meat of this very important finding:

Evolutionary psychologist John Neuhoff and colleagues at the College of Wooster in Ohio asked 50 people to listen to an approaching tone, and press a button when they thought the sound had arrived directly in front of them. The researchers found that almost everyone - about 98 percent of people - pressed the button somewhat early, even after going through 10 practice runs where the scientists told subjects when they were pressing too soon. The average lead time was 130 milliseconds, but some subjects jumped the gun by about 500 milliseconds, or half a second.

The psychologists also rated everyone on a physical fitness scale, based on recovering heart rate after exercise and grip strength. Strikingly, they found scrawny people consistently judged the tone to be right before them sooner than buff people did.

Not only did some jerk, who is probably envied by all at the Acoustical Society, and who probably got grant money, conduct this awesome experiment to BLOW YOUR MIND, also only tested 50 people. 50 PEOPLE!! Any amount over 10 people, and you normally take out the guesswork with anything. That is how they create medicines, and when most of the people die, call it the "Swine Flu" or "Hotel Bombing."

Here is the guy who performed this test: http://jneuhoff.com/

Ok, ok. He seems like a good guy. If you read in there, he used to drive 7 hours to and from home to be with his wife and kids while taking an out of state job. That is admirable. I don't mean to harp on HIM, but rather the WHOLE THING.

Looking further into his website I notice this: "I became interested in links between music and language after hearing a fascinating talk by Ani Patel at APCAM in 2008. I currently have an NSF grant to study these links in more detail."

So I clicked in to see what this NSF grant was, and sure enough he has a grant for this.

Initial Amendment Date: February 10, 2009
Awarded Amount to Date: $38371

$38,371 to find this out ...and for what? Maybe there is better use for that money. This stuff happens all the time too, and I know the clear reasons for studying things, but stuff like this should be put on back burners. Rhesus Monkeys can live in peace. Oh wait! Here is some more from his website:

"Collaborative work with Asif Ghazanfar at Princeton examines the perception and multisensory integration of looming objects in Rhesus monkeys. Our findings support an evolutionary "error management theory " in the perception of both auditory and visual looming perception."

WHO CARES? Why would I want to know the origins and explanations to why Spanish speaking countries like to play drums with shiv knives? Or why would I care that Polish people learned to say the word "Ooh" because that is the sound that comes from a person when you hit him/her in the stomach with a guitar? WHO CARES.

How much do we want to learn here? Do we want to learn so much that it takes away from anything we wonder about in the world? I see so many articles with new research shows "why you're fat" or "DNA links X and X" and I get why it can help in the future. These are beneficial.

Fat Man eats less trans fats
Fat Man's heart doesn't explode
Fat Man doesn't live with an oxygen mask
Fat Man doesn't live off of insurance
Fat Man becomes medium sized man
Fat Man lives a better life
Fat Man teaches his kids better habits
Others pay less
World Better! Weeee!

But what about scrawny people being scared more easily?

Scrawny Man hears Dodge Ram earlier than Buff Man
Scrawny Man moves out of the road .005 seconds earlier than Buff Man.
Buff Man goes to beat the crap out of the Scrawny Man, just for kicks, BUT WAIT! Scrawny man could sense that danger before it happened, then runs back out into road and gets hit by that Dodge Ram.

Where is the return on the investment with most of the research being done?

Well at least the article ends cute:

"Our prediction is that if you're more likely to be a predator, you wouldn't have the need for as great a bias, but if you're a bunny you need a larger margin of safety," Neuhoff said.

Aww...bunnies! (GUN BLAST)

Casey

Our Christmas Cards (with appropriate name)

2008-12-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Ross Beeley,

Merry Christmas!!! We hope you, Ross Beeley, are having a wonderful time these holidays!

We decided to send all of our closest friends and family a Christmas card as this is our first year in Chicago. We will NEVER write one of those “one size fits all” Christmas cards, Ross Beeley, because we feel each of you deserves a personal messsage. So how are your kids (insert name) and (insert name)? He/She (They) must be getting so big! The last we heard, (insert name), had won the big school competition! Congrats to him/her! We don't have kids, but we might as well with our two kittens Professor Plympton and Jean Hackman. Like children, we have to feed and sometimes pay attention to them.

As you can imagine, Chicago is burrrrr cold during the winter, but it is such an amazing and beautiful city. We are always greeted with the amazing skyline while stuck in traffic. Traffic is bad, but we have both perfected a breathing technique with a brown paper bag. How is your city? Winters there are beautiful too, so we are all lucky!

(paragraph 4 here)

Well, Ross Beeley, please keep in touch this year! Tell the kids (insert name) and (insert name) that we said HELLO and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Here is to us all having a wonderful 2009!

Sincerely,

(signature here)

Jenn & Casey

WHAT A CROCK!

2008-12-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

(middle finger) = Freeze that!

Why do all women have to freeze food if there are leftovers, only to throw it away 5 months later with the typical, "WHAT IS THAT?", or "Oh I forgot we had that." I can't even see freezing loaves of bread. I hear why women think they need to freeze loaves of bread ..."so it is there when we need it."

TIME TO DRIVE TO STORE: 9-25 minutes
TIME TO DEFROST: 9-25 hours

I come to you with this important message because I made too much food yesterday while using a glorious cooking tool called the slow cooker (or also known as the "Crock-Pot", as you "Kleenex" and "Chapstick" brand brainwashed people would call it). I made enough chili-spaghetti for about 12 people, so there are leftovers. What did my girlfriend and her mother say? "Oh you can freeze that." What did the lady at work say? Same, same. I am a DUDE. I follow the typical dude route for food. I eat too much during the initial meal. The next day I eat it for breakfast or lunch, then for dinner. I am sick of it the following day, but manage to squeeze it in for one more lunch. If there is any left ...BYE! BYE! Why in the M-F would I want to freeze it, thaw it out in a month, and then eat it again.

TIME TO MAKE NEW CHILI-SPAGHETTI: 4-6 HOURS
TIME TO THAW AND EAT AGAIN: 4-6...MEGA-YEARS!

Back to the slow cooker though for a minute.....

My mother and a few friends (some sweet, sweet dudes) use this thing and actually talk about using it like it was worth telling a story about.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY DOG ROLL ON THE GROUND YESTERDAY!
LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF MY BABY!

Well let me tell you something people ...a slow cooker is much more interesting and glorious than a dog or a baby, and should be talked about. SEE BLOG!

You can throw just about anything in there and it will come out beautiful. Just to experiment, I threw a hobo's left moccasin in with some paprika, jello shots, and a 64 ounce fountain blue slushy ...and out came a wonderful pork pot roast. IT WAS JUICY!

Many Months Of Updating: My Cats Are Watching Soaps

2008-12-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

Right now:
I am home at work in Chicago while my two cats are in the front/tv room watching soaps with my girlfriend's mother who is visiting for the week. I don't want my damn cats watching soaps. Last time I walked out to check on them (kittens), they seemed interested in the story line and that has me worried a bit. I have no problem dragging a couple of cats to the river if this problem persists. By the way, One is a long haired black boy (NOT AFRO-AMERICAN) named "Professor Plympton," and the other is a orange tiger girl named "Jean Hackman." She started out with an anus on the outside of her body. Hi.

How I got here:
The last time I blogged was in June and I was living in Phoenix with my best friend and his wife. In July, I moved in with my girlfriend Jenn. I have always wanted to move to Chicago ...so after my company went under and was bought out by another company (again), I got the OK to move ...and so we did (October) after an awful closing (The financial market called me a whiny asshole. RUDE!) I work from home and it is pretty good so far. We live a few miles from downtown in a 3rd floor condo.

What I have missed:
PIRATES! I blogged about them a couple of times a year or two ago. This stuff is fascinating. I am glad it is finally a big deal in the world. There have been hundreds of pirate movies, shows, cartoons and stories from your Uncle Terry ("Campfire Terry" ...the one in jail). Let me ask you ...what is the difference between those old awesome pirates and the pirates of today? It is the same exact stuff now minus the vests and plus AFRO-AMERICAN jeans.

HOMELESS! Phoenix vs. Chicago Edition!
The Chicago homeless are a much more refined people than the homeless in Phoenix. Don't get me wrong, they are both still without D-O for the B-O and claim hunger, BUT the Chicago homeless shoot for the stars.
Phoenix Homeless Dude: "Spare change?" ....(No)
Chicago Homeless Dude: " Hey man. Listen. I am trying to get my driver's license and I need to get to the DMV, but I don't have money for a bus, and my friend is at work. I just need $3 to get there. Don't turn me away for no $3. ....(No) ...but close!

NEW GUY AT WORK:
I am avoiding his calls as we speak. I have 4 voicemails and all from him. He is a new sales dude named "WHAT? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? HUH?" He was on a phone call yesterday and needed help. He goes over to the black sales guy (Fulton) and says the following, "Hey can you help me call this guy back? Thanks because he is colored." Fulton replies, "What color is he?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Say hello to my day maker!
Fulton later told him that since he is older (new guy is mid to late 40s), he should know there have been about 4 names changes since "colored." Oh! He has also looked for and found two co-workers in the men's restroom to ask work questions. Can you imagine? It is bad enough that people stand next to you in the urinal trying to chit-chat ("ahhh. yeah! I'm peeing. See?")

NEW GUY: Hey Fulton! You in there?
FULTON: What the MF
NEW GUY: Which stall are you in because I just wanted to know where the copier is.
FULTON: Yes..because that can't wait. ooh!

Meet My Friend Ralph:
I got the flu over Thanksgiving weekend and the first sprayage, like during a final in college, went out the mouth, into my very late hand, bouncing onto my shirt. And you people use toilets. LOSERS!

Halloween:
I went as Jesus. Everyone else went as ...I WAS JESUS. Nothing like drinking beer with plastic hair in your mouth. Thank you beard of Jesus.

Larry & Kate:
My friends I mentioned above had a baby a couple of weeks ago. His name is Andrew Thomas, and he is the new sales guy at work. HUH? Superrrrrrr Zing!

Jerry Garcia Lives:
On the 1st floor of my condo building with a Russian lady who chased us down the street our first night here to tell us there is good food "over there." We found out "over there" meant absolutely nothing to us because we did not know our area. Shit, she may not have even said "over there" with that accent of hers. Now that I think about it, it kind of sounded like "Grover Cleveland Alexander." You know how foreigners are obsessed with U.S. Presidents. Well he looks like Jerry anyway.

Fiery Furnace:
Yes, the FIERY FURNACES is an excellent band comprised of an asshole brother of sister, but I am talking about the furnace in our condo. It is really loud from MF'd up fan. I really thought I was going to die our first night here and Jenn laughed and laughed at me. NERD ALERT! For all you fans of the overrated (first 3) and underwhelming and non-up-to-snuff (last 3) Star Wars movies (Huh? Superrrr Zing!) ...imagine one of those Darth's landing his saucer in the middle of your dark living room. Ok..laugh all you want...but those furnaces have FIRE! Real life FIRE!

That is all I have at this moment...but Chicago is great. Great city with always something to do and see. The people aren't T-Tards and pretty damn nice. I will be here for awhile.

kc

My Mom Kills Cats

2008-06-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have never met my mother, she kills cats. These are not just ordinary cats either! They are housecats who urinate and defecate ...and my mom just can't stand that! HOW DARE THEY?

I remember the first time my mom killed a cat. It was 1989 when we had a cat named Terrance Trent Darby (it had black dread-locked hair, and a terrible meow). This cat climbed up on the curtains when it was only about 7-weeks-old, and my mom swatted it down with a Sears catalog. This was followed by a stare-down contest, with my mom staring the cat down and the cat licking its little calico paws ...looking all cute and shit. My mom claimed victory then belowed, "JIM! (my father) TAKE THIS CAT TO THE VET!" The next day, mom said Terrance Trent Darby was taken out to a nearby farm because it was sick ("It" later "died" by eating some kind of "farm poison," according to my mother who "knew the farmer", whom I later found out to be a fake farmer name, "Sikkhem Vickram." I should have known.)

The second time my mom killed a housecat was in 1993, and it was mainly because she hadn't done it in 4-years.

The third time my mom killed a cat came down to another stare-down contest and my dad visiting the vet for $110 and plastic bag. Ole Peanut Buster Parfait did something really stupid, and that was taking a dirt in a corner of the house. Hours later when mom came home from work, the cat took a full and unopened box of Nutter Butters to the face while it was sleeping. She asked PBP, "Did you do this?" The cat must have said something sarcastic like, "Well it isn't big enough to be yours," so it was doomed. Sure, it was the third time she had a cat killed, but I was used to it by now. However, it was the first time I knew what happened after the cat was actually killed that will haunt my grandpa forever. More on that later.

After the cat was killed, my dad would take it out to my grandparents woods, dig a hole, and bury it. For cat #3, I was asked to help. That is when I knew what was going on, and how I would have to lie to the FBI if they ever came looking for my mother. It was a bonified pet cemetary at my grandparents woods. My dad gave me a shovel and went in the house. I dug until something popped out of the ground and screamed at me. It was my grandmother telling me I wasn't digging right. She then went into the house too. That may or may not have happened, regarding my grandmother, but if you knew her at all ...you will just never know if it were true or not. It didn't take me long to dig the hole, but it took me a few moments to get over a cement hard calico with its face bugging out in the middle of a CLEAR plastic bag. You make a nice product Ziploc, but your guaranteed seal was obviously never tested on a dead cat. Peanut Buster Parfait fell out of the bag a few times, but I figured it wouldn't make a difference so I just buried the cat naked and gave the Ziploc back to my mom for reuse.

But now I knew what was going on.

From there on out, I knew how to hide Fluffy's pee on the kitchen floor, or Tiny's doodoo in the kitchen sink. If mother were to find out, it would mean I would have to use a shovel, or have to lie to the neighbors about my mom being a cold blooded cat murderer. A murderer who found delight in caging the animals and spraying it with roach killer. Sometimes she would even drug the cats for experiment. And she was onto something too. She once made a mixture of chemicals that gave one of our cats two sets of lungs! Can you imagine the medical marvel of a cat with two sets of lungs?? Why it could take the deepest breath you have ever watched a cat take. BUT... that cat met its maker (needle from Dr. Tom) after my mom caught it begging for food one morning.

All this is fine and dandy. It has been going on for years and everyone got used to it, but what bothers me is how it affects my grandpa. Imagine what happens when 20+ cats are all buried on top of each other in the middle of the woods? Keep in mind, these are woods that were once the stomping grounds of Native Americans in Northwest Ohio. So when a scalped cat shows up in grandpa's dreams at night, you can only imagine how frightened he becomes! MEOW! He complains all the time about how he gets no sleep. Peanut Buster Parfait comes to him in the night with a little cat tuxedo on and a scalped head offering him a smoke. PBP's favorite joke to tell grandpa in his dreams is "Can you imagine how much I could smoke with a double set of lungs?" My grandpa does NOT think it is funny.

My mom kills cats.

Forget The Alamo! Tennessee Is Dumb

2008-03-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

I saw that there Alamo last week while in San Antonio for work. If you don't know the area, I have two things to say:

1. Good

2. It sits on the infamous Riverwalk, which sports a plethora of restaurants and shops. Actually, it isn't bad, but I must point out that the sidewalk that goes up and down each side of the river is really not that wide. I can imagine at least one Mexican kid a day falling in ....because they can't swim...

Hey! (rustling...wrestling...shouting....)

Ok guys...this is Casey again. Someone punched me in the neck and took over this blog for a second. I see they made a racist joke, which wasn't even that good because the joke is black people can't swim. What? Why not erase the racist joke? When you get your own blog, you can erase it all you want ...

Anyway ...the Alamo is nothing to spend money on. You want to know how I know? Neither local, nor state, nor federal government supports the Alamo. They have plastic drop boxes where people drop dollar bills in. I put a *NEW* piece of chewed gum in the box because although I didn't like the Alamo, I am not rude. So I visited the building (size of a small church), and the museum (I put gum there too) and I was underwhelmed to say the least. May I ask why is the Alamo a big deal? Because John Wayne made a movie about it? Because Texas needs some sort of monument to hang their big dumb hats on? The only thing I learned was that the Tennessee Volunteers got the "Volunteer" from sending a bunch of chimney sweeps in to defend Texas.

TEXAS: Hey Tennessee! Free booze if you come down here to die.

TENNESSEE: Well ...death is bad...but Texas did say free booze. Let's go!

Since the battle that took place at the Alamo was almost nothing ...I took it upon myself to re-create this battle to more accurately reflect what took place.

DAVE CROCKETT: Jim B. Dude. I just got my ass beat down by Hector at the saloon.

JIM BOWIE: Great Story Dave. American glory. Save the buildings in this town.

Outside of the Alamo ...what does San Antonio have? What does Texas have? At least New York has Millard Fillmore. At least Ohio has Cleveland.

Casey

Creep Me Out, Why Don't You Babe

2007-12-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

There is this chimney sweep at work who creeps everyone out to the max. He stares, he will give you the chills on occasion, he is awkward, he is sheltered and he will kill someone before his lift is over. GUARANTEED. Oh ...I also think he has his way with small yard animals because I read that is where Jeffrey Dahmer got his start.

I don't want to say his name or explain him too much because he might be reading my mind right now. The way he looks at people, he could have this ability. For example, I was in the kitchen with him the other day and he said to me, "you making a coffee Casey?" I thought to myself, "WHOA! How did he know that?" Sure, I make a few every day, but you never can tell if you suspect some creepy wizard of being a mindreader. I just ended up buying a Hi-C from the vending machine to throw him off a bit.

He makes people mad a lot for his lack of couth and basic social interaction, but he really makes me mad because he is a salesperson (?) and he eats and talks on the phone. He has such horrible manners and he is a really loud eater. I just want to wire his jaw shut ...and to keep him alive, throw vanilla pudding at his face from across the cubicles a couple of times a day.

The real story here is that a bunch of people at work think he masturbates in the men's restroom everyday at the same time in the afternoon. It kind of turned into a Yeti deal to where people claim to have seen or heard something. BUT, I cracked the case! >>>>MAGNUM P.I.'s MUSTACHE!<<<< I went into a restroom on another floor. There are two doors to enter into the resroom, and as I entered through the first door I heard a terrible noise. I would have stopped, but the doors are only like 4 feet apart and my momentum pushed to enter the second door. That is when I heard the terrible noise again. I clearly startled the person who was in the far left of the bathroom at the sink. I did not look up much. I only glanced enough to see a blue shirt and an arm up towards a head through the mirror.

"Hey Casey"
"Oh hey (Name)

I went into a stall and just sat there with my clothes on. HAHAHA! I said that as if I normally strip down naked when using the loo!

No more noises and I could tell that he was trying to be super quiet. I heard a lot of spitting. Then I heard a lot of teeth brushing. It was like the Yeti took off his hairy outfit to reveal an old man name Fred who was relieved to tell the world that the Yeti was just a regular dude from Northern Minnesota who played racquetball every Tuesday. The creepy guy at work is bulimic. Everything made sense.

The certain times of day to sneak off after he ate at his desk ...
The noises everyone else heard ...
His sickly appearance ...
Make no mistake about it, he was gagging himself in that mirror when I went into that bathroom.

*The vanilla pudding comment above was a thought before I knew he was bulimic*

So what does one do? Help him? Feel sorry for him? Does his creepocity lower because now we know he has a real problem? Does is get stronger?

Hey! I am no fucking doctor! I just wanted to tell you the story.

Bye.

Throw It Off A Cliff & Then Scurry In To Eat Pie

2007-11-12T18:41:00.000-08:00

I am making a fruit dessert for Thanksgiving. I don't know what yet, but I have started to do research with my best friend Bob Internet. Before you let that "gay" comment to sneak down from your brain to the smirk on your face, tell it to MF off. During this research, I am seeing a lot of ...

BEST apple pie recipe
Betty's Super Best Apple Pie
the BEST recipe for Apple Pie.

Well fuck you Betty!

Does that pie recipe have Sinbad's rubies in it? No? Then really how "best" is your pie Betty?

Everybody says their mother (Aunt, Grandma, Uncle Andre) has the best 'X' recipe. That is fine, just as long as you know it really isn't. Really ...it isn't.

And the stuff that people add or takeaway scares me,BUT I admire how much they get into it.
If they use the word "dash," then you know there is some old woman on the other end of that internet posting with high-water jeans on, standing 4 feet away from a mixing bowl, throwing cinnamon at it. If she gets too much in it, she mumbles, "This is all Carole's fault. She said dash. SHE SAID DASH!" And the ones that say "just a touch" have another window up on their PC talking to a 13-year-old in Indonesia.

I am still talking about baking. Well fuck you Betty!

Here is something I don't care about:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071113/ap_on_sc/endangered_bears
Throw them off a cliff if they are going to get millions of dollars in funding!
Oh but it's the world's smallest bear. The sun bear! Weeee! Set them out with the other bears and let Darwin get his notepad out.

Here is something else I don't care about:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071112/us_nm/west_mother_dc_3
Throw the cadaver off a cliff! Really? Why was that article on the front page of Yahoo and CNN? WHY WHY WHY! This is why the news is atrocious. Television news is absolutely hideous ...like your mom's face.

KC

Hey! October Thought Police

2007-10-17T18:33:00.001-07:00

Hey!

I want to comment on several things, and the first being restaurant t-shirts. Enough is enough! Your innuendo shirts are just not cutting it anymore. For example, I was at a place in Phoenix for lunch called Hap's Barbecue (hapsbbq.com) and their shirts state "There is nothing like hand rubbed meat." Oh so hilarious! I get it ...rubbing spices into your meat COULD mean rubbing a penis! Or how about Mamma Mia's Pizza in Phoenix? They have a shirt that reads "If you like our meatballs, then you will like our sausage!" HAHAHAHA. Tell more jokes Bill Cosby! I see you're hinting at, "If you like our testicles, then you will like my cocker!" Weee! I think restaurants should ditch the actual food talk and just state the joke, while keeping their actual food picture.

"You can't handle the penis" (picture of a stack of ribs)
"Best penis in town" (picture of a salami on rye)
etc, etc. Up the game people.

Hey! Do you ever see pictures through patterns on a wall? I did this a lot when I was little, but it has been happening lately as well. You know ...like the paint job may be with texture, so you can see a face, or wallpaper that shapes out to be a fish or something. Well I had a cold last week and took some Tylenol PM. I woke up during the night and could not get back to sleep so I found my self staring at a picture of my mom on fire next to a beautiful horse.

Hey! Deodorant smells are getting out of control. It used to be just scented, unscented, fresh, cool, etc. Now I see shit like "Lilly Pear" and "Cool Autumn Breeze." It got me thinking about a few smells I have noticed, that should become actual scents.

"Russian Immigrant"
"Oil Piracy of Ghana"
"Powdered Fat Guy"

Hey! What is the Spanish word for "death warrant?"

Hey! I don't like certain sayings and/or how people say them. Take "Tuna Fish" for example. I know some people who say "tuna fish sandwich." Annoying to the max. Tuna fish, tuna fish, tuna fish, tuna fish sandwich! Yeah...we know what tuna is, ok? How about tuna sandwich? Salmon fish! Salmon fish! Carp fish! Trout fish sandwich! Another one is when people say "milk chocolate." I just ate some milk chocolate. When we want to know what kind it was we can do this, "hey! what kind of chocolate did you have?" Do you go around saying, "Shall I drive?," or do you say, "Shall I drive my 1996 tan Toyota Corolla?"

Hey! What kind of friend are you? Are you the 'yes man' type, or the "this is what you should do" type? I happen to be the latter, but that's just me. Sticky situations friends come to you with may call for you to be a 'yes man,' especially if they are sad :( ...or angry >:0

"Hey you are right! You poor thing! Who wouldn't want them stems!?"

But this is only if you are not hiding something that may help them because you are afraid it would hurt their feelings. Remember, they are your friends. I like to give the brothers perspective, the mothers directive, Tina Yothers.

Hey! Here are several good nicknames up for grabs. Grab'em!
walnut neck, triglyceride, wrigley spearmint, Scotts Turf Builder, Limestone, copper tarnish

Hey! The worst for last is the following picture I took while in Columbus at a movie theater. This message did not scroll.

http://img100.imageshack.us/my.php?image=weownthein0.jpg

Cheers!

Smashing Pumpkins

2007-10-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

Hi!

Let me smoke my Smashing Pumpkins corn pipe. You can call me Tin Can Willy.

That was from the front row in Phoenix. *Wild Bill* does not automatically come on disposable camera pictures. I added it you dinghole. I was also in Columbus last week to see the Smashing Pumpkins, and Billy Corgan later came out with a blog while there. A part of it reads:

"I love my country…I love it so much, I'll say it twice…I LOVE this country!!...today i am in Columbus, Ohio, and everything about Columbus has everything to do with what I love about America: the collisions of architectures idealistic and functionally gaudy…the lone characters who climb out of treetops and caves and still retain their sense of home…everywhere that I look here I am reminded of other battles and beliefs that now seem forgotten, yet their symbols still blow their horns in silent reverie because that's all they know how to do…"

That is kind of cool for me being that I am from Ohio and that is my favorite band. I have no idea what it means though. I just saw "Columbus, Ohio" and I immediately urinated in my pants.

Casey

Look At These Photographs. Every Time I Do It Makes It Makes Me Want To Punch You In The Neck And Harf

2007-09-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

You want to know how to leave me temporarily speechless? (Answer marked with * below)

I was out at a bar on Sunday night with a couple of friends. It was late at night and I had already stopped drinking for awhile. I was waiting for the clock to hit 2am, so I knew we would have to leave. I am patient enough to stay until closing, but I don't get people's urge to stay out until 2am ...just to stay out until 2am (or more for the "where are we going to get breakfast afterwords?").

Was I frustrated? No, but I was just eager to get out of there and sleep. My mood is important for the words that were uttered to me at about 1am (*). My friend (who had been complaining about the music all night) said to me, "Oh god Casey. Nickelback is on. Hear that?"

Of course I heard it, but hearing is not what bothered me. I could sneak into the back room of the place and eat their music system, but it was a meathead bar ..and I would have had my spine ripped out by some dude who was only there to add to his spine collection. I just didn't mind hearing it. What I did mind was another guy who chimed in.

ANOTHER GUY: Yeah this song is great.
ME: What?
FRIEND: Yeah..Casey hates Nickelback
ME: Doesn't everyone? What?
ANOTHER GUY: (spouts off 4-5 songs by Nickelback) They have a lot of great songs man.
ME: Oh my. What? Wow.
ANOTHER GUY: (he actually felt the battle, got a bit frustrated and gave me the "fine. you tell me" look on his face and his shoulders slumped) Then he said:

* "Name a better band."

ME: ................................... (crickets)...................................................................................(crickets) .......................................................................................................

My Official Sign To Stop Texting

2007-07-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a big time text message person. Even though I hate it, it is who I am. I am a "texter." Ever since I got one of them cool phones about a year and a half ago ...I was MF'd. I get made fun of to be honest. I am sure I am no teenage girl, but I have sent/received 2500 in a month before. I probably do about 800-1000 on a "normal" month. Ok, so since I am a teenage girl, I get made fun of.
I have been looking for my sign or my "out" to drop the texting game and pick up the whole calling people again thing. Fast forward to last week in Chicago. I was at a conference for work (with a bunch of teenagers) and excuse my language but I had to urinate. I stepped inside the empty restroom at my hotel where the conference was being held. As I was urinating (my god, I hope I don't have any readers with a urination fetish) my phone vibrated.

Ooh! Text!

Nobody was around so I reached into my right pocket to grab my phone to check my text. My undone belt, which had been resting on the side of the urinal slipped inside when I grabbed my phone. As I checked my text, I peed on my belt. I laughed. I actually looked at my phone and thought bad thoughts (you MF!).
BUT ...I think the only way I will stop texting is if I get rid of my phone and just go back to a simple cell phone. You know, the kind with which you ignore people.

I'm Gay For The First May-Day!

2007-05-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

The tribe has spoken.
The council has set forth a motion to ensure a happy city.
40 Helen's agree.
The gods of the vast heavens have shown light upon the great lands of life.

My boss was fired!

(Insert harpischord & smiling Aborigines eating bacon wrapped hotdogs)

No more fist pounding
No more Penguin shirts
No more awkward moments at lunch being asked what I was doing, me saying I didn't know, then promptly rounding up the co-workers and sneaking out of there without him.
No more flip-flops from a VP
No more hearing "Bright Eyes," the nickname for his wife. Her eyes neither light up, nor are they ...well she's dumb.
No more, No more!

I wish him well, but not as my boss. If he somehow gets hired back, I have some Aborigines ready to bacon wrap his fist-pounding ass. Aboriginis eat people right? Boooo! Come on!, the harpischord isn't going to eat him!

Time To Leave?

2007-03-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

My boss at work gets on people for taking long lunches, leaving early, etc. I am not complaining about this, because A) It's not me & B) It is your job to be there on time (blah blah).

However:

Our boss in and out all day (why?), takes long lunches, and leaves early all the time. Maybe he can do that since he is the bossman, but maybe it is because he is a hippocritical jagbag. Yes, hippocritical was meant to be spelled that way because he is a large fat hypocrite with a horn coming from his face in the form of a mouth.

And here answers my original question in the subject line:

I sit next to a guy at work who leaves early everyday. He sneaks out of here at 4:45 (probably should be here until 5:30) and drives home. On his way home he sees a couple on some landcruiser bikes. A girl with a pink shirt on a pink bike, and and a guy with a white shirt on a white bike. Sooo cute!! Muah! He drives by to honk and make fun of them (maybe throw out a "faaaaaaaaags!" (It's him)) when he noticed that it was our boss and his wife taking a stroll. Of course the guy I sit next to at work couldn't say anything because he too left early, but he immediately left me a voicemail. Oh by the way ... the boss left early to "work from home." We always knew he was full of a bag of dead kittens, but this was just more proof.

Proofs:

*They are the couple that shows up to an amusement park with matching outfits. They then one-upped that with matching bikes.

*Our boss doesn't really know what he is doing and hangs out at home a lot (lives close to work, and wife who is 25-years-old while he is 40, stays at home).

*The following link proves that Tupac is not alive
http://www.hitemup.co.uk/pictures/autopsy.jpg

Roger Ebert provides proof that the movie Good Burger is an American film classic:
"It's a kid movie, plain and simple. It didn't do much for me, but I am prepared to predict that its target audience will have a good time. I'm giving it two stars. If I were 8, I might give it more."

I could go on and on, but this is what matching bikes does to me. All hot and bike bothered.

Hello and Stop

2007-02-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

2 things before I forget.

1. Stop saying a fucking "k" sound on the end of your '-ing' (or even just '-ng') words.
I have noticed these forms:
* Saying ...k
* Cooking ..k
* Screaming .k
* Prayingk

They all suck ...k, okake?

Wait..yes you do. So stop ..g.

2. Watching the Real World, there is a hideous youngabee who says, "I have the worst temper." It was actually with a smile. I have seen this dozens of times in the past actually. Do you realize that having a bad temper is NOT a good thing? Not something to brag about and not something people will want to be around.

**Ok, so I just realized that I still watch the Real World and you may be focusing on that. And I had all these jokes coming about people who get angry really fast, and they all were going to be super funny. So your loss, not mine. They were all SO funny. I have been watching the show since the beginning, ok? That doesn't explain why I watched Beauty & The Geek yesterday for 7-8 straight hours (the entire season straight), but for the Real World, you have to let me go.**

Nurses Are Burgers

2007-02-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

I should write a book called "Why Are Nurses Fat?"
I was walking out of a store today and I dry-erase marker'd up another 3 nurses in the books. Why? I (and I am sure many others) have brought this up several times before, but today is the first day I tried to break everything down.

If a study was done on the percentage of nurses in this country who are overweight, I am guessing numbers would be similar to professional wrestlers who lift weights, or even the gaudy percentage of men who "pound fists" are more likely to die a naked and embarrassing death. It is weird actually when I really take notice. I really don't want to use the word "fat" so loosely, but how about most nurses are from stocky to infinity and then beyond fat? Sure.

Why? - Some Reasons:

1. It takes a strong woman to be a nurse. A super skinny girl may not be able to handle the daily grind of lifting corpses and playing urine bag toss with Berma, the floor leader.
2. Food is on the go, and is never on the same schedule. Nurses may be 3 days on, 4 off or M, W, F, and on every other weekend (you get the picture). Even while at work, food is probably not guaranteed, and when nurses can squeeeeeze a bite in, it is more likely to be the goodies Ronnie Jim (still claims he is not gay) made for the staff, or from a vending machine.
3. See #1. The fact that the job can be physical means the meats build up on the bones. Mainly the other white meat.
4. The job is high stress and can make for a super long day. When nurses go home, they may not exactly want to move much, workout, etc. I bet this leads into another test that should be run regarding the husbands of nurses being under-sexed, which leads into another test that husbands of nurses may have the highest masturbation rate. This of course leads into the final test that husbands of nurses end up being single moms. Hey, it's all in the study.
5. Maybe it is a product of the environment deal. Dudes who play basketball all the time and hang out with each other tend to wear the same type of clothing and shoes. Biker dudes tend to have tattoos. It is just part of that particular scene. Nurses fall into being fat. I mean, who would want to be healthy and stick out in your scene?

I am sure there are many more, but this was good enough to get us started on our study. It is not that big of a deal, except it can seem odd that a fat nurse is helping you stay healthy and alive.

Livestrong or Lives Trong?

2007-01-29T18:18:00.000-08:00

Everyone was right about Lance Armstrong when they called him a champion, but it turns out to be for another reason. Armstrong is an idea stealing champion of the Far East. While touring Asia, showing people bikes, he came across a very famous Vietnamese singer, who goes by the name of Trong. Trong is not a prostitute.

Trong always gives out t-shirts out at her concerts that translate to English as "Here Lives Trong," as some sort of an ancient Asian gesture of a ringer t-shirt that covers the heart. Fashionable and meaningful, all in one cotton blend.

After Lance took her on a tandem bike ride through the countryside (not by prostitution lairs), Trong wanted to give him something to remember her by, and had a bracelet made for him that said, "Lives Trong." A shirt would not be new for Lance, since he already wore shirts almost everyday. Lance looked at the bracelet and immediately made fun of Trong's brother, Li, who was wearing a questionable cheetah vest. He stated, "Li Vest Rong! Li Vest Rong! That shit is just wrong!" It was the first time Trong had ever met a genius.

It was at this moment that Trong looked to the West

and came up with some elaborate plan to help raise money for cancer research by taking the space out of "Lives Trong" and making it "Livestrong." It would be a yellow rubbery bracelet to be sold in America for $1 each, with proceeds helping cancer research and patients.
After she wrote it down on a piece of paper (not the appointment book of a prostitution house), Lance Armstrong ripped it from her hands and sped away on Trong's unicycle, with a fake mustache and a coconut zinger. She would have been content with a brief bout of sadness, but Lance then created the "Thieving Himmler Asshole Incorporated." He thought the acronym T.H.A.I would be fitting since he believed "they all look Japanese." Trong set out to right the Trong.

Lance would go on to international fame over the Livestrong bracelet, wrote books and was even a finalist for a Nobel prize. Trong ended up striking back with a book of her own:

To this day, Lance still claims the lead in the money raising efforts of the Livestrong bracelet while Trong awaits her day in the court of public opinion (certainly not a harlot house).

Whose story do you believe?

Poem For Just You

2007-01-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

Lie and Wait

I had it once, but it got away
like chasing toads on muddy roads

I chased her through flowers down to the bay
I knew I had found when she turned around

Only for sweet seconds that lasted a day
She ran on right by and I started to cry

My mesmerized wit led her astray
Now I must wait and lie at her gate

Hey! It's "Moose" & "Pumpkin!"

2006-12-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

People give out nicknames, or call people things that you have no idea what they actually mean. It is usually either in two forms; From an adult to a kid, or a girl to a guy. I am going to tell you what some of those names mean.

When somebody calls you "Moose," it can mean two different things depending upon how old/big you are. If you are a big adult, "Moose" means that you are a pig. A fat fucking pig. Now when my Little League coach called me "Moose," he was really saying that I was a little bony chipmunk who needed encouragment so I didn't cry when the ball was coming my way. Get it? So adult = pig, and kid = Tiny Tim.

This plays into the nicknames like "champ" and "chief." If you are called this, they are really telling you that you're an incapable drivel, and since they are bigger and better than you, they will eventually save the day. It doesn't mean that you are the best in the world at anything, or are some kind of leader, no matter what the words actually mean. So don't put it on a hat, ok #1 Dad?

"Big Guy" = same deal as Moose. Adult = fat fucking pig, and kid = tiny asshole.

If an old man comes up to you and calls you ***"Super Chief," well that is just cool, now isn't it? There are always exceptions. Pay attention.

What about the nicknames that girls call guys? If a girl calls you "darling," and you are not married to that girl or living in Alabama, then let me buy you your first gift certificate for some Coco Chanel. "Oh, I love this fragrance! How about a lemon martini?"

"Pumpkin" means that if you are not actually a pumpkin, you are a JagBag who parts his hair on the side with one those free combs on school picture day. Mom is getting the 8x10s! The same goes for "precious." You had better live in Florida homey, or you will never stand a chance with the girl who just called you "precious."

I wouldn't complain without offering up some solutions. Now that would make me a jerk.

Feel safe about calling kids the following:

"(insert their name)"

And for you girls, some no-brainers for those guys are:

"Super Chief"
"Iron Man"
"Huge Weener Guy"
______________

*** A friend was actually called this once upon a time while he was working at a movie theatre.

Something I Remember

2006-12-08T05:58:00.000-08:00

My Great Uncle Jack, who has since passed, had a short conversation with me at a wedding once that I will never forget. About 80-years-old and looking 65, he was sitting at a table with another uncle of mine. I was sitting just below them on some sort of ledge on the ground eating a dessert. We started talking about foreign cars and how they took over a long time ago. My Uncle Jack was going on and on about the greatness of Japanese car business with his two sentence comments equaling that of most people's bumbling four sentences. I finally asked him, "So why don't you have a Japanese car?" He replied, "Because they tried to kill me during the war."

The other uncle at the table was my Uncle Hidenori "Hank" Fukui.

Online Chat Help?

2006-10-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Hi.

My brother told me he was searching for some Irish jewelry and came upon the site "www.mycelticjewelry.com." They offer live chat help while you are searching for whatever it is you are searching for (rings, pendants, necklaces, etc). My brother was giving her a hard time and told me to hop on the site to check it out. Here is my conversation (and yes, I am an asshole, but I just listed their website and I bet I drum up SOME business for them, right?)

I am "Guest."

Guest: Is this a real person?
Sharon: Yes
Guest: Hello? Is this a real person
Guest: ok
Sharon: My name is Sharon.
Guest: Hi Sharon. My name is Thurstin. How are you!
Sharon: May I know, with whom I am speaking?
Guest: I am Thurstin Waters
Sharon: I'm fine, thank you.
Guest: the III
Guest: Good. Say hey....I was looking at some rings
Sharon: For any special occassion?
Guest: Well when I was looking for the rings, my sister came in and said, 'Do I look like a cat to you boy? Do I go hopping from tree to tree all nimbly bimbly?'
Guest: I thought that was weird!
Guest: I am looking for a wedding, but NOT with cats!
Guest: That would be weird
Sharon: Okay.
Guest: So what do you have?
Sharon: We have wide variety of rings.
Sharon: May I know your metal prefernce?
Guest: Heavy Metal! Skid Row, Metallica..you name it Sharon!
Sharon: Thurstin, do you prefer Gold, Silver, Platinum or White Silver?
Guest: oh..my sister is telling me you meant metal on my ring. I choose Platinum
Guest: but NOT Plutonium. That would be weird
Sharon: Thanks for the information.
Sharon: Are you looking for any specific Celtic design?
Guest: Do you have Boston Celtics? Like Larry Bird? Kevin McHale, etc?
Guest: My sister is telling me that you meant something else. Sorry!
Guest: yes. Any that have like Irish pigs on the ring?
Sharon: Thurstin, I am talking about traditional Celtic designs.
Sharon: Irish Pig?
Guest: yes
Sharon: I am sorry but I have not heard of any such Irish design.
Guest: My grandfather, Thelonius Monk, has a pig tattoo, and my girlfriend really likes it.
Sharon:
Guest: So I thought I would give her the gift of love..and put a pig on her ring
Sharon: Please check the designs on that page.
Guest: ok. give me one minute...checking....
Sharon: Okay.
Guest: WOW. I like the very last one!
Guest: Can you put an Irish Pig engraving on it?
Sharon: Please give me the product code.
Guest: 14k Platinum Celtic Wedding Band
Guest: I do not see a secret code
Sharon: 3I751K0000- this is the product code.
Guest: ok? big number
Guest: that is weird
Guest: You get any more K's in there...the NAACP will be in my grill
Guest: Hello?
Sharon: What type of engrave would you like?
Sharon: Your family crest?
Guest: "An Irish Pig for my love, Oscar"
Sharon: Well, we do engrave family names for family crest jewelry.
Guest: Do you have a family crest for an Irish pig?
Sharon: But I have to check whether this can be engraved or not.
Sharon: We have 2,500 family names in our database.
Guest: NICE! that is more than 2,400, if you think about it. Say hey...Oscar's last name is Tarnish. You got a crest for Tarnish?
Sharon: If your family title is 'Irish Pig', then we may have it in our database.
Guest: I am going to take the Tarnish last name
Guest: or family pig..if you have it!
Guest: but that would be soooo weird!
Sharon: We have to check.
Guest: Ok. I will wait right here
Guest: doobie doobie dooooo. strangers in the night....
Guest: exchanging pantses
Sharon: May I have your email address please.
Sharon: I beg your pardon
Guest: Sure. It's ..Tomselleckmustache@howsmydriving.com
Guest: so weird right?
Sharon: Thank you for the information.We will get back to you as soon as possible with the information.
Guest: Okay! have a nice day!
Sharon: yeah
Guest: You dont want me to have a nice day?
Sharon: You have a great day ahead
Guest: okay!
Guest: Have a good sleep and dont you go dying on me! I look forward to your email
Sharon: Oh sure!I will.

Girls I Go After

2006-10-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

I went to Vegas a few weeks ago. Walking around with my friends, one of them noticed a good-looking girl dancing in front of a hotdog stand. She was grabbing attention as music blared outside of Harrah's. My friend looked twice and said, "Did you see that girl shaking her ass?" I replied, "I don't go for the girl shaking her ass by the hotdog stand anymore. I go for the girl working in the hotdog stand." The next day my friend handed me an old receipt in which he wrote my quote down on the back of it. I don't know what it means exactly, but I know it sums some of me up.

Sick @ Home On A Friday Night

2006-10-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am just going to keep writing what I can before my NyQuil kicks in ...

Since I wrote about a guy I sit next to at work, it is only fair I talk about one of the new girls. Let's call her Big Bird. She is 6'2-6'3, has HUGE 80's hair and attire, and is generally weird. I don't know her that well yet, but I know enough to question if she is actually a "she" at all.

Finkel and Einhorn, Finkel and Einhorn, Einhorn and Finkel....

After great debate in my tiny brain, I figured he/she has a Swiss Army Crotch. Probably a man part, a woman part, a tiny pair of scissors, phillips screwdriver, bottle opener and some tweezers.

Stop Now Before You Embarrass Yourself

2006-10-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

It is a saying that has been popping up all over the place over the last few months, and a saying you should never say again.

"Bringing sexy back."

"Bringing sexy back" is a 65-year-old man waiving glow sticks at a techno club. Just stop right now. It has already used up all of its good life.

I can already see it becoming a poor man's "bling bling." It does not have quite the power of "bling bling," but hopefully you get my point because I don't want to say those B-words again.

Sayings like these will start out in some form of entertainment and just explode. Cousins of the saying start popping up (Bringing "______" Back) They show up in songs, more movies, MTV, the vocabulary of the world's most talented rappers, etc. Then ...white people get a hold of the saying, which then turns into Ted Danson using it in a sitcom 3-years later, which then gets a chortle out of older generations when Ted Danson says the saying, which then lends the older generation thoughts of youth.

Complete death achieved.

I Sit Next To This Guy

2006-10-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

I sit next to the following guy at work:

Hawaii print shirts, stock market, rubs himself raw to Reagan, Michael J. Fox devotion, Republican, racist, dock shoes, the youth of American are all stupid, sexist, ageist, Harry Connick Jr., that hair cut, talks politics, claims people around him "don't understand," talks down, believes we should wipe out other religions and still goes to bible study each week, Fletch Lives, gays are the only source of AIDS, dates a virgin for "purity," undermining, a user of people, black athletes are all criminals, Spaceballs, De Lorean, would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton becomes President, "The Jews man," complimenting when needy, non-charitable, sneaky, greasy salesman, bad hair plugs, short man complex, scumbag, Family Ties, comes and goes as he pleases, Dan Akroyd, doesn't owe anybody anything, friends are yes MEN, family is punching bag.

Love that guy.

Requests for REAL stories

2006-09-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

I have been getting requests for "real" stories, whatever the fuck that means. People may be growing tired of my made up stories. You know, the creative stories that I have to use my brain for. So, I will switch to just stories that happen to me for awhile and see what happens. If you want to see the other stupid stories I write. Check out:

www.travelwithjesus.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/leroyracey (with my brother)
And there are a couple of more in the works....but I will update those a bit.

Before I start writing "real" stories, there are a few things you should know about me.

**I will never tell you my burger secrets.
**I prefer a tall blonde lady, but I will settle for midgets with flat-tops
**Nobody actually knows where I live because I have no clue where I live. Tough to esssplain Lucy. Somewhere between Phoenix...aww shucks Huck, I give up.
**I could see myself having man-boobs by age 37.
**When I wear glasses, I look like Moby. When I don't wear glasses, I can't see.
**If you invite me to a wedding, I am giving a speech in some shape or form. Maybe dance interpretation.
**I workout all the time and I am a grown man by this point, but if I see a cricket, moth, spider, or cockroach ...I will most likely take the long route to go around them while asking them to please not move.
**I can run faster than you, but only for about 100 yards. Then you can catch me, throw moths on me, and watch me die.
**I download music constantly. Cough, cough ...legally of course.
**I shook playing video games, so I could easily shake a few of you.
**I grew up in Ohio, which means I know where the other states are located. Sorry Californians.
**I rarely talk about politics or religion, but that doesn't make me an asshole from a younger generation.
**I support gay rights, so when I call you a faggot, take it like a man ..on man.
**I am not for passive-aggresiveness. If you want me to pick you up, don't say, "Did you want to pick me up?" If you think I am being a jerk, then keep it to yourself.
**If you are my friend, chances are you are funny, or creative, or both.
**I shop for shoes. I am just stocking up for when there are no more shoe companies. You won't be laughing then.
**I want to learn Japanese, but need a partner
**I play guitar but need a Japanese guy.
**I am super stubborn, but I am working on this, so don't tell me about it or I will never change.
**I am a paragon for middle-aged and black women. I don't get this one.
**I have a space in my front teeth. I love it actually. It separates me from the handsome men. Or maybe that is my 5-head.
**I can type 60+wpm.
**I have a degree in Journalism, but I hate television news, I rarely read the newspaper & I think that is helping me stay sane.

Casey

My Flight To Portland

2006-08-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Looking out the window on my flight to Portland from Phoenix, I could hardly see the snow covered mountains as we approached the airport. I could hardly see them because the Garga-Skank next to me was hogging the window. Me being in the middle was the result of me flying standby, or else I would have guarded the window with a bowstaff myself. Her hair smelled like beatles.

She, 22-25-years-old with beatle hair and no bra on (hi!) said, "Pretty Cool Huh?"
I said, "Mmm Hmm, Mmm Hmm" like I was a Campbell's Soup can selling crank in a Philladelphia ghetto. I actually thought, "I have no fucking idea. I live near Phoenix, 115 degree weather, and you get to gaze the Rocky Mountain gaze don't you? Oh yeah, keep your head right there in that window and stradle the wall. You have to keep the beatles happy."

As we were passing this glorious mountain, some 9-year-old kid says to his mom, "If you look closely, you will be able to see a penguin."

It just shows you how fucking stupid children are.

Teddy Roosevelt: A Day In The Life Of

2006-07-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

4:30am --Teddy sleeps in late. Kills breakfast. Muskrat never tasted so good.
6:30am --Teddy wakes up wife. Sex for over 3 hours. Ted disappointed with himself.
10:00am --Teddy finds kids playing. Beatings. 100 chin-ups soon followed.
11:00am --Horse ride through canyon. 23 buffalo, 12 Indians, & young cousin Franklin D's legs lay in his wake.
1:00pm --Orders Navy to fight hard. "But fight who Mr. President?" "Just kill them off."
1:15pm --Receives word 200,000 Filipinos dead. 100 chin-ups.
1:30pm --The Rockefeller's arrive for weekend stay. Filipino girls. 4 hours. Ted so disappointed.
6:00pm --Dinner is served. Kids don't finish. Pheasant left untouched. Beatings. 3 kids die from "Tuberculosis" say the newspapers.
7:00pm --Shirtless after dinner hike through canyon.
7:30pm --Entertains guests. Wrestles 3 bulls. Won't stop until they say "uncle." 3 dead bulls.
8:30pm --Ballroom dancing. Rockefeller dances with Mrs. Roosevelt. Rockefeller's first born is now in charge of family business.
9:30 --Story time. "The Baby Blue Whale Goes To Manhattan" puts Teddy right to sleep.

Jessica, We've Never Actually Met, But I Have Been Dating You

2006-06-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight is our 7th date Jessica, and you know what that means! I heard 7 dates is the standard for touch down time. How about you take me out for a change? Hmm? Wear that blue dress you wore on our first date. Very pretty. Remember when we managed to get off an awkward first kiss?
The second date was about the same; I was getting to know you. We had weird pizza and you accidentally called me Rebecca, but that's ok. Rebecca ...Casey ...Casey ...Rebecca. I can see the mix-up. No worries Jessica.
The 3rd date you had those great green jeans on when you dry humped me. I had to take a cold shower after that one!
The 4th date you wore regular blue jeans, and dry humped me from behind. Weird, but I like the way you mix things up.
The 5th date was cut short because things got a little too hot & heavy. I went for 3rd base and you slapped me in the neck. My apologies for trying to soon. I thought you gave me the "go" sign when you said, "Time to fiddle the cat's hot tin roof." How was I supposed to know you grew up in a travelling jug band? I can make a train whistle noise through my empty Beck's Premier Light bottle.
The 6th date is when we brought it all back around to happy town. We held hands through Raiders of the Lost Ark. We fed each other BBQ'd pork sandwiches. We never left each other's side, except for when you had to poop before the movie. We didn't get naked that night, but it is like we knew that date number 7 would be lucky number 7.
So here we are Jessica. Tonight is the night. This is something that we have both been anxiously awaiting. I am finally going to have sex with you tonight, and if Starbucks will let you off early, you are more than welcome to join me.

General Comments

2006-05-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

***The Red Hot Chili Peppers have narrowed down their song lyrics to topics revolving around saying the word "California." The music is still decent (although nothing like years ago), but come on..enough with California already. I want to hear more about drugs and vaginas again.

***This myspace page is certainly worth checking out.

http://www.myspace.com/randyconstanpeterpan
Listen to the music he made. Check out his pictures. Holy Diver.

Here is his non-profit site. This link will take you straight to his fashions.
http://pixyland.org/peterpan/petersFashionPage.html

Sexy-time!

A Letter From An African Sponsored Child

2006-05-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Dear America, My name is Nanoke Bonbiba and I am 10-years-old. Thank you for sending me letters and money. I am able to eat sometimes with my family. We thank you. We are still very poor and very hungry. Camp CareGive is great to us. It is the camp where your money goes to. They take pictures of us sometimes and give us letters from you. You have probably seen me in your television commercials asking for more money to sponsor children. I am the one with the green stuff and flies on the right side of my head. I am laying next to a yak. Maybe it looks like me and the yak are happy. We are actually very hungry. I got to see the commercial in Camp CareGive's private theatre. "There you are!" pointed the white hand of our camp leader. He was happy. I wished his hand was bread. I want to be more like the children of America. They have much food and much fun. They don't have to sleep on Uncle Ponmubi at night. Uncle Ponmubi is my favorite pillow, but he was much more comfortable before he died two weeks ago. Camp CareGive said that Uncle Ponmubi was in a better place now. I don't understand this. I can see him right now being kicked around by an angry gang of yaks. "More food for me," said one of the yaks. I am so hungry. I have to go now. Camp CareGive is making another commercial for the television. I am in it again! Wish me luck. I have to look hungry and stare at the camera. No problem I say! Some day the money will bring food for us all. I can't wait. I will write again soon. Send water ..send food, Nanoke Bonbiba

Evites, I Hate Them

2006-05-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

Tim, I received your evite today. Thank you for using an internet web-page to invite me to your Memorial Day party. I sit next to you at work. Maybe you could have said, "Hey man, I'm having a party." You could have even called me at home and said, "Hey man, I'm having a party." Did you get my reply yet? It's the one that says, "Wow, I can't believe you evited me homo." What about last Tuesday when you said you were going to have a Memorial Day party and were sending out evites. You could have just invited me then jerk. I had been waiting for a week man. Have you checked my reply yet? It's the one says, "You just evited yourself out of a friend." Hey! Looks like I'm coming though (+4 Guests). You don't mind me bringing 4 guests do you? I just met these great new people down at Carl's Auto Body. I hope your party is wheelchair accessible because they are some lazy dudes and refuse to walk on holidays. I told them to bring their portable computers so we can all email each other while having red, white, and blue jello shots. It will be so calculated and great. Did you get my reply yet? It's the one that says, "I hope you don't mind me forwarding your evite to the fine people at Merrill Lynch. Perhaps some fine-tuned nerds will appreciate your evite." Whoa, looks like big Ted (+2 guests) is coming! And there is Sandy (+1 guest). I wonder who she is bringing? Oh, and Chris (+3 guests) had such a funny reply! So far, the evite totals say 27 people are coming, 14 say maybe, and 9 can't make it. Sounds like a party! Make sure you bring you have the exact amount of cups and plates! Sounds like you hate surprises!

Oldies...

2006-05-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

I will post a few oldies until I get some new stuff a'rollin' like James Brolin.

LOOK AT YOU
by Casey O'Brien

I thought you would never get here, but there you stand tall. I know we both have things to do so I will keep this short and sweet.Look at you on that plate ready to throw sand on the fire that burns deep within my size 42-inch waist. Ok..ok..it's a size 46-inch waist but I only have guys like you to thank. Just look at you. Two rich slices of whole rye bread encasing a mountainous horde of corned-beef folded to perfection. Yes you are a sandwich. The type of sandwich that makes a grown man cry. The type of sandwich that warrants extra napkins when my careless beef gargling spreads to my shirt and my pants. Look at you. Someone had the gall to cut you in half and stab you with two toothpicks. Does that hurt buddy? Oh here you go. I'll just slide these out and ..yeah..feel better buddy? Hey! Beat it fries! You fried peons aren't fit to guard this corned-beef king! There you go buddy. Only room on this plate for a hearty sandwich. Yes you are a sandwich. The type of sandwich that makes it ok to laugh at my belt for its meager attempt to tame my ever-growing one-pack. The type of sandwich that creates 4 hours of "me time" the next day hugging the little boys room with the corner hardware store's best two jugs of maximum strength Drano substitute. You're the sandwich that keeps on sandwiching, and I thank you for that. I do have to admit that not everyone would enjoy a sandwich like you. Some say you would just end up clogging everything in my body, but my reply is any sandwich that requires a three box serving of Fibercon is worthy well beyond any troubles I may face. Look at you. Crusted edges of rye that properly decorates …wait what was that? Did you say something sandwich? Oh who am I kidding? A sandwich like you would never talk to me. I have to pay for your services, but $11.95 is a small price to pay for a day's worth of smiles. Well my gentle giant, lunchtime is about over and I'm afraid I'm going to have to enjoy you now. I am also sorry to say that I brought a brand new tin of Altoids to overpower your poison. You can't blame me my corned-beef king. It's the only way to get you off my mind.

Holy Diver! The World is Fucking Round!

2006-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

I relate my last posting to scholars in the 1400's who thought the world was flat. Boy were they wrong!

The Pirate Saga Continues

2006-01-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

Here are two sentences from a Reuters column the other day. I want you to pick a few things out:

"Armed pirates have renewed attacks on merchant ships off Somalia, hijacking one and holding 20 of its crew hostage, an ocean crime watchdog said on Wednesday."

"Somalia has been without a central government since 1991, when rival warlords ousted Mohamed Siad Barre."

This is what I spotted ...pirates, attacks, merchant ships, hijacking, hostage, ocean crime watchdog, Somalia, rival warlords.

This is not 1700! To me, this would be like if I walked outside right now and had a fencing duel with Abraham Lincoln.

What the MF is going on? I love it! If you check out the web, you will see that Russian newspapers are reporting 48 of their fisherman got jacked as well. They are being held hostage. Yes!

I really do hope this all continues. I think there are some simple life lessons to learn here. The poor country doing what it has to to survive. David vs. Abraham Lincoln. Rich countries doing whatever it takes for $$$. But the one lesson that comes before all else is STAY OFF THE MFING COAST OF SOMALIA YOU MFING MORONS!

I mean what was the Captain of the Russan fishing boat (I am going to assume the name of this boat was "Boat Fish American YES!") saying to himself when they had the choice of spending the extra $900 bucks on gas to go around the coast of Somalia?

Captain: We are white! We are white! Rockets can not kill whites!
1st Mate: SHIIIIIIT. AMERICAN YES!!! NIKE! ROCKETS!

There have been warnings out there for months to stay 200 miles off the coast of Somalia. But ..ships still go, and I can only wish for the best, which is pirating.

Here is another interesting note from the same Reuters article ...

"In November, the Somali government signed a two-year deal worth $50 million with a U.S. marine security firm in a bid to end piracy."

WHAT THE ...?

So it continues, and I think other countries like this as well because what is keeping a navy from going in there, and taking the 7 minutes it would take to blow the pirates up?

Christmas is Here, Miyagi is Dead, and The Future

2005-12-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

hi.

Here are the people I think about when Christmas rolls around each year:

Frederick Douglas

But now I have to add yet another name to that list ...Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi). I heard he was dead. I could go on and on about him and his exciting life, but I only want to give you two Morita tidbits.

1. Pat Morita & Bruce Lee have done more to fuel Asian racism than you can imagine. When was the last time you saw an Asian dude and didn't think he knew karate? Hiiiiyah! Waaaa!

2. Pat Morita almost did not participate in original Karate Kid. Morita did not like the "Crane Kick," and insisted on replacing the move with his own "Double-Fisted Goatee," where he screams and slaps a whore.

Here is something righteous:

FutureMe.org

It lets you send emails to the future. It can be used as a time capsule, or to set goals for the future. Personally, I would use it to set up meaningless reminders like birthdays & deaths. The death emails will be a total crapshoot, so don't be freaked out when you get "Sorry for your loss" emails in 2020, but it is the year when I think most of your parents will die.

It wasn't by email, but I did recently find my 9 future goals that I wrote down on my 9th birthday. It must have been from a school project or something. Here are the 9 goals from the sealed envelope I just opened today.

1) #1 whiffle ball player in the country
2) Get a new Mongoose bike. They are the best bikes.
3) Never tell Hank I had a crush on his girlfriend Potty Pam. She peed her navy pants in the first grade, but she has great handwriting.
4) By 20, I want to be taller. The doctor said I would be 6 foot 1. That way I will be bigger than my cousin Trevor, and I can kill him.
5) By 30, I want to be married to Gina, the only Mexican bitch in my class. She is the only non-white bitch in my Catholic school. She keeps telling us that she is not Mexican, and is from Costa Rica. Liar. If you speak Mexican, then you are Mexican. I think she is cute.
6) I want to go through the D.A.R.E. program in the 6th grade, and tell my teacher Ms. Bartles that maybe she go through the program as well. Ms. Bartles will never be married because she has holes in her face.
7) I want to be a fireman so I can save Mexicans from grease fires.
8) I want to have the best handwriting in the world. Ms. Bartles keeps telling me that my capital Js are crooked, but My Uncle Dave says Ms. Bartles can serve his crooked ...and then makes a double handed gesture towards his legs. Uncle Dave says I will learn about it when I get older, but I know now. My friend Ricky told me that he had sex the other day with Gina. That makes 4 of us.
9) I want to be faster than Paula. With her speed, there is no way Paula is 9-years-old. She runs like a man. Paula is from Georgia, and I heard that people start school later and leave sooner in Georgia. My Uncle Tim said he would bet the farm Paula ends up serving both males and females in Las Vegas. I guess Uncle Tim expects her to be a waitress.

Merry Christmas to most of you if we do not talk sooner.

My New Favorite Country

2005-11-12T22:27:00.000-08:00

Somalia is easily my favorite country right now, and it isn't because it is normally #1 on my list of "poor countries that make me thankful for having 28 pairs of shoes." No, no. It is because Somalia is home to some of the coolest people I have ever read about. Yes, I know using the word "coolest" is quite sophomoric of me, but these super rad people make me think I am 9-years-old again reading about dragons, knights and PIRATES!!! PIRATES!!! PIRATES I SAY!! There are Pirates in Somalia!

(Sidenote: There may be a reply attached to this very post soon from my dad. He will try to say that I did not actually read until I was 14-years-old. He may also say that I had Puff The Magic Dragon and Superwoman Underoos, but most of it is a lie. He is a known liar.)

If you can name 5 things better than a pirate ...then I will give you my soul to eat.
Paul Bunyan (check)
and that is it. Ok...try to name TWO things better than a pirate.

These Somali pirates are doing the exact same thing as the pirates of old. They are hungry black men with rocket propelled bazookas and machine guns who storm vessels on the deep sea ...and plunder! Well I say plunder away my dear heroes! Any team that can get in a four man fishing boat with a single engine and hold captive cargo vessels and cruiseships gets my full endorsement and support. They have attacked 35+ ships this year alone and have held the crews and cargo over 7 ships. Still trying to think of something cooler than that? Just stop. Stop.

Fathom people. You get together your buddies Dan, Parker, Trish and Yani. Now you go grab some machine guns from Paul, the local Ohio Militia man who swears he will never pay federal taxes, and if they ever come to pay him a visit, he will be ready. Next, go get a small motor boat. Now go a few miles off shore from your nearest ocean and try taking over a Carnival Cruise liner.

Yani: Yo, yoooo! Here comes a cruiseship! Get your guns ready.
Cruiseship: HORNNNNNNN HORNNNNNNN
...and Doppler Effect. Hear it go right on by.
Parker: Next one man. You could tell that one had women and children onboard.

It can only be explained as the next coming of another great pirate era. Sure, the weapons are a bit updated, and these pirates are more hungry, but that will happen. The basic things to think about are that they are water warriors beating down the man with all the odds stacked against them. You want to ship some chirpy Europeans to some exotic destination? You want to bring some raw materials into South Africa? You want to live? Well then PAY THE PIRATES!!!

Maybe the best thing about these Somali pirates is that they have a "mothership." This "mothership" disperses the smaller boats to lure vessels into Somali waters (by fake emergency flares, and umm ...rocket propelled bazookas). Now you think this "mothership" is going to be the grand poobah of all ships, right? This "mothership" has a crew of 10. That's right! TEN. They even have an engineer. One cruiseliner they took hostage had hundreds of people.

There are two things I want to come of all this pirating.
1)I want the U.N. to protect these fine pirates. These vessels have been warned to stay 200 miles away from the coast of Somalia because of the pirates, and they have not. Maybe the U.N. can come out with some t-shirts titled "P.L.U.N.D.E.R. Pirates Love United Nations der." It would be huge with Canadians.
2)When these Somali Pirates finally take hostage someone of importance (queen, head of state, minister of doom, Jean Claude Van Damme, etc), I hope we get to see everything unfold on live television.SCENE: We see a pirate asking for 150 million dollars or something in exchange for this important person. We see the important person in the background with a gag and a black eye ...Well all that isn't important, just setting the scene. What I really want is for the anchor on NBC (etc) giving the live report saying, "We are now getting reports that the person actually talking calls himself "The Blacker Knife Carrier." His two comrades in the background want to be known as "Justice, No Way," and "Dark Dangerbeard."" Cool pirate names gone bad due to only two months of english taught by some priest in a Somali village in 1992. That would really make my week.

But, we are just going to have to see how this all plays out. I am so excited about this, so I am sure I will be keeping you all up to date.

Naming Your Baby ...Casey

2005-11-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

Everybody grew up with a certain name niche. Depending on your family, friends, area, heritage etc, you may only want to agree with a certain few names while naming a baby. For example, on my dad's side of the family, we have the Irish thing going. Casey, Maggie Colleen, Micheal Patrick, O'Tater McDrunk, etc. On my mom's side, they are a bit more creative(?), because that is what they are used to. Fedra, Eliza, Elijah, Granada, Brock, Orange Peel, etc Sort of like Soap names.

Today on Captain Bartrum's Ridge ....
Brock: I think we should think about our life together, not apart
Orange Peel: You don't love me.
Brock: Damn you Orange Peel. You are right. Let us be together as one.
Orange Peel: But, but ....(kissing to the max follows)

What I am saying it that it is pointless to ask your friends or family what you should name your child. Everybody will try and force their name niche on you. Your friend Trent may like the names Roger, #2 Pencil, and Gary, while your friend Pam really thinks you should name your son Ole' Whitey, Harold or Vinny. Your stoner friend wants Marley and your meathead friend wants "uhhh." Your Italian friend wants "Spread-ah the cheese ah all over mya body-ah." All of your friends and family will never agree.

Also, through the years I have heard some really questionable rules regarding naming your baby.
"I can't name my baby Samuel because my neighbor's dog is named Samuel."
"My friend Stacey already called dibs on Johnny Cobra."
"I am Irish, so Xiou Xiang Xiang just doesn't fit."

SO WHAT!

You still have the last name, which is the all important one in terms of heritage. If you are lady, you are saying well I lose my last name when I get married. Well too fucking bad. Don't change your name then. I never understood that anyway. It is your family name, so if you want it, keep it.

There are no rules anymore with naming your child. None. But don't forget that some names have a heavy price to pay by its bearer.
Elvira: A 3rd grade punch in the face by Chad, the fastest kid in the 3rd or 4th grades.
Hannibal: A wedgie and a swirlie by his high school wrestling teammates.
Aquarius: A Jean Claude Van Damme double roundhouse to the collar bone.
Heinrich Himmler: Death

So what should I name my baby?
Pam: blablablabla
Dan: blablablabla
Mom: blablablabla
Casey: Casey!

DING!!!!

Casey is the answer to any problem with naming a child. Girl ...Casey. Guy ...Casey. I have even met several dogs named Casey. I would say Casey is a tri-sexual name, but I don't think anyone has a dog growing out of their crotch. With that said, I have yet to travel to Romania.

Things That Bother Me

2005-11-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

Someone used the term "craving sweets" the other day to me when they were talking to me, and I can not get it out of my mind. It has been bothering me for three days now.
Craving Sweets
Craving Sweets
Craving Sweets
Yah ...I hate it.

It bothers me like scratching nails on a chalkboard bothers others. Since those types of actions do not really bother me (another example would be scraping a pop sickle stick on your teeth), god has hit me with things that people say. Little terms that people say that get under my skin.

Craving Sweets - If you are not at least 72-years-old, you are not allowed to say this. I am going to put the maximum age at 73 and a half. You get a full 1 year and a half to say "craving sweets." Also, during this 1 year and a half, you can only use the saying one time. If you remember to say it during this period of time, you can not say it around me.

Moist - Not only is this word annoying, it is also disgusting. Moist is used most when people are talking about cake. They are normally middle aged women that really love discussing cake. "Oh my god. This cake is so moist." "Moist cake! How did you do it?" "Betty Crocker right? No? Then how is it so moist?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Can we switch out moist with ...
--watery goodness
--not dry
--oily
--crisco'd motha fucka
--very good

Tender - Wow. I think of this word in food terms as well. "This chicken is so tender!" "Hey man. You are the grill master! Very Tender Chicken Todd." Other forms of the word do not bother me at all ...
Meat "tenderizer"
Torn "tender" ...heehee. Sort of like a really nice hick explaining his high school wrestling injury.
Legal "tender"
My arm is very "tender" after I fell off the mountain on my tricycle. Ok, I don't like that one either.

"Fall Off The Bone" - I am from the Midwest so talking about ribs (food again, right?) is common. A frequent saying is "Gursh, hardy, well god damnit, gursh durnit, skippy-do! Those ribs fall off the bone!" Apparently the best ribs "fall off the bone." I guess it is because they are so fucking moist and tender, that they fall right off the bone. You can just take a good rib and give it a slight jerk, and fling the valuable tender and moist meat across the room, and still hold on to the bone itself. Seasoning, cooking time, grade of meat and the grillers themselves have no bearing on ribs whatsoever.

There are more, but I am angry now.

Halloween Haikus, An American Staple

2005-10-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

hai•ku P Pronunciation Key (h k )
n. pl. haiku, also hai•kus
1. A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
2. A poem written in this form.

Jack The Ripper
I shall gut a whore
Gutting is the dog’s bullocks
Liver is my choice

Werewolf
Hair covers them both
People make fun of them gone
I swear I have balls

Jesus Christ of Nazareth
Andre, get my robe!
It is time to meet the boys
Dad, please turn your head

Peter Jackson
Beauty shines in me
Just not my hair or my face
King Kong comes out soon

Inventor of The Haiku
Count the syllables
Count them again to be sure
You can’t count moron

Article From Sportsnerds.com

2005-10-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris, You’re All I’ve Got by Casey O’Brien

Where sports were concerned, last weekend did not turn out so well for me and all of my teams. Luckily for me, the return of Walker Realistic Ranger made me forget.
Saturday was the absolute killer. I wake up and start watching the Ohio State, Michigan State game. I am from Ohio but it just so happens that I hate Ohio State and since Michigan State is the only team to beat Notre Dame thus far, a win would eventually help my Fighting Irish down the road. Michigan State loses. Ok, ok. That’s ok. Notre Dame is on now and they are playing #1 USC. I really thought USC would blow them out, but Notre Dame looked really good. It comes down to the end of the game with the clock actually hitting 00:00 and Notre Dame wins! A camera was on Charlie Weis raising his arms in victory. You know he was sporting wood, but the inner tube below his belt will forever hide such embarrassment. We all know what happened, but it was especially crushing for Notre Dame fans because of the hype, the way it ended, the need, etc, etc.
The Notre Dame loss was tough to swallow, but Sunday brings the NFL. My New York Jets had a winnable game against Buffalo, and my fantasy team was in first place and rolling. Maybe this weekend can be salvaged. Ahh, no. Although Vinny Testacle Dirty had a rushing TD, he ended up completing 46% of his passes, throwing 2 picks and got sacked 5 times. The Jets lose. Later in the day, Sean Alexander had 29 touchdowns in one game. Why is that important? My fantasy team was facing the team in my league who had Shaun Alexander. I got crushed. For all of you people who say, “It is only fantasy! It isn’t even real!” The only thing I can say is that it is real. It is too real. It is so real.
Now that Sunday turned out terrible just like Saturday, maybe I will just …wait …wait! Hold on a second! What is that I see on CBS? Holy shit! It is Walker Texas Ranger …err Walker Realistic Ranger! I can’t even believe it! Chuck Norris is back for a made for TV movie. The smile on my face is huge. I never realized how much I missed an old man (did you know Chuck was 65-years-old?) karate kicking hordes of meatheads, helping the townsfolk solve an injustice and bottoming out his deluxe Dodge Ram. You know, the Dodge Ram that doesn’t need gas because it runs on pure determination? Yes! All is well now. Everything is good.
It was if some higher being placed the TV movie there just for me and my terrible sports weekend. Maybe CBS is looking to bring back Walker and his band of usual helpers (black sidekick, the love interest where Walker can lay down a few charming zingers, and the old crusty veteran who offers wisdom in healthy spoonfuls), and maybe, just maybe it will be the cure for all of my tough weekends. Being a Notre Dame and New York Jets fan, I have a bunch of tough weekends.

###

A Message From Wilford Brimley

2005-09-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is a paid advertisement from Brimley Lincoln Medical Supply:

Have you called Brimley Lincoln Medical Supply for your diabetes yet? I know, I bet you have thought about it, but just forgot the number right? Well there it is again, right on this bottom of this screen. Right that down. Brimley Lincoln Medical Supply can save you time, and it can save you money. We can deliver your diabetes testing supplies directly to your door, and you can check your blood sugar often, before you die. That could be today.
I bet you didn't know Brimley Lincoln Medical Supply has customers all over the nation. Well we do. We get letters everyday thanking us for help with their diabetes. Like this one from Babs Warner out of Salt Lake City, Utah:

"Thanks a lot Brimley Lincoln Medical Supply. I get fresh needles delivered every single week for my heroine addiction. I have HIV, but the fresh needles ensure my daughter's safety."

And here's another one from Walter Hernawitz in Ridgeport, Connecticut:

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Interview With Kenny Chesney

2005-09-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

I caught up with Kenny Chesney. He stops through Casa Grande, AZ all the time for ...err....stuff.

This is how it went down.

KC: First off, explain this "fraud" deal Renee Z cited in the annulment.
KENNY: Oh, umm. Well I am a complete fraud, just like country music.
KC: Yikes! True about country music, but aren't you being a little tough on yourself?
KENNY: Nope.
KC: Ok, Well what did you do?
KENNY: Well I told her I was talented. I also told her I had a penis if she ever got my tight jeans off. Well she did and she caught me in a boldfaced lie. My jeans held her off for like 3 months though. Good job Wrangler buddy!
KC: Yeah. You are not very talented and you are wearing Wranglers. You sound pretty credible to me.
KENNY: Well I was just bending the truth there a little. I told her I had a big penis too. I'm sorry.
KC: You jerk. Ok, let us move on from the bad ...onto some of the good things that have happened in your career.
KENNY: Ok
KC: Umm...searching here. Ok...Oh here is something ...no wait. Umm.
KENNY: You are wasting your time.
KC: Ahhha! I found something. It says here you once climbed Mt. Everest! That is incredible. I just read where this paraplegic climbed Mt. Everest. How heroic of him ...and now of you!
KENNY: Yeah, well I lied about that one too. I bet we are done here.
KC: Yep

Andrew Dice Clay

2005-09-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, yo. I had this girl once named Katrina. She really blew me.

BOOOOO! BOOOO!

umm ....
rained on my parade?
spun my life around?
tore me apart?
drowned me with kisses?
was a home wrecker?

BOOOO! BOOOO!

Oh come on! Lighten up! Ok, you don't have to.

I just saw Andrew Dice Clay on a VH1 show or something. I like him. He is one of the few people who really does not give a $%&! about anything. Have you ever seen footage of him outside of standup comedy? He is pretty much the same dude. A real true asshole.

Ohio Breeds Freaks

2005-09-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on CNN. Read it.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/12/caged.children/index.html

Wow. People put 8 children in 3ft x 3ft wooden cages with nothing in them to "protect them." It happened in Ohio, of course. It seems Ohio has had its fair share of freaks. Let us see...

Jeffrey Dahmer, although born in Wisconsin, actually grew up in Ohio where he had sex with animals as a boy.
Charles Manson is from Cincinnati.
Marilyn Manson is from Canton.
That highway sniper a year or two ago ..Columbus.
Ulysses S. Grant. Great war beard.
Steven Spielburg is from Cincinnati and he is an asshole.
Paul Newman is from Cleveland. His salad dressing proceeds go to awkward children.
Clark Gable is from Cadiz, Ohio. He clearly made that city name up.
Dean Martin is from Steubenville. As a boy he collected Indian heads.
Ted Turner is from Cincinnati. Ted Turner ate the head off of a live deer.

Many, many more.

Hurricane Stevens

2005-08-31T23:46:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Brad Stevens (www.dolobot.blogspot.com), and he is a writer. Sure, as you can read, he is damn good, but his blogger is not more important than Hurricane Katrina.

He just started his blogger like yesterday, and he wants to garner all the attention he can. Well I say he is being very jerk-like. In this time of a national crisis, Mr. Stevens wants us to read his blogger. He says it will make us laugh. Well I didn't laugh when I was picking up families on roof tops yesterday from a Navy chopper. "HELP US", and "WILL DIE SOON" signs plastered the land below as I swooped down to rescue people. I did not see signs that said, "READ THE NEW BLOG BY BRAD STEVENS!" Not one of them.

Like me, Brad is unemployed at the moment, but that extra time is not steering him towards the destruction in the bayou. No siree. He isn't helping us at all with his blogger. Mr. Stevens wants us to read about Burger King (formerly Burger Chef, may he rest in peace) and the new chicken fries. As he checks out with his meal from Burger King, I was checking out of Jimmy Gumbo's Super SaveOn with water for the thirsty children nearby. I was in New Orleans helping people. I even took a shotgun hole to my right leg when somebody thought I had sweet potato pie in my hands. I showed the man he had it all wrong. It was a frisbee that I had found floating in the water. He apologized by tossing the frisbee with me for an hour, followed by looting me. He was a great swimmer.

As the network news programs continue to count cadavers, Brad will keep writing for his blogger. Each week we will get great updates of how people chipped in and helped rebuild a city torn, while Brad writes about gummy bears and Burger King (formerly Burger Chef, may the Chef rest in peace) ...In times likes these Stevens. In times like these.

hi, and TV talk

2005-08-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

I will update this more often.

hello.

I still need to get my camera developed to show you the few pictures that I have from South Korea. I still have 15 pictures left to use. I know, I know. Who cares about the 15 damn pictures ...get them developed! Maybe I am not so ready to look at the South Korea pictures. Did I tell you about the trip? It was awesome. I would do it again if I felt like being a basket case for the rest of my days.

The term "basket case." Oh where does it originate? I suspect it comes from the dead, of course. They used to take people away in baskets when they died ...not caskets. It would be better if it had something to do with shrimp baskets at Red Robin, or wicker. Like me being super wicker white! Casey is a basket case. No?

Stemming from the S.K. incident, I have been getting emails from family I have not heard from in awhile. It is nice to hear from them, even though I will not get another email from them until ..........

I am looking for a j-o-b now. Any suggestions? And No, not Burger Chef, although may the Chef rest in peace (1996).

Six Feet Under ...do you watch it? I just started watching these past two seasons. Very good show. Everybody is fucked up, and the show is unrealistic, but the same goes for the Cosby's, and that was a decent show. It is over now...so buy the DVDs.

Entourage. Are you watching that show?
YES: Great, it is getting great reviews because it is great.
NO: jackass.

HBO shows rule Beavis. Entourage, Six Feet Under, Deadwood, Family Bonds, Da Ali G Show, Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Wire (which I think is the best of them all ...so far). No network comes close right now.
Other good shows on HBO: CostasNow, Unscripted, Cathouse
Yes, there are bad ones on HBO: Real Time with Bill Maher (poser), Def Poetry Jam (pretentious, just because it is poetry ..does not mean people owe anything to the show), and The Comeback. The Comeback is the who with Lisa Kudrow, which means you should watch one show. You have to give Lisa at least one show. Then you will find out that the show is not good at all. Near terrible. The camera work is annoying, her character is annoying, and nothing is ever funny. Ever. OK,Terrible.

Which leads me to Joey ...on NBC. It started out slow ...average at best, but I am telling you, it got better as the season went on. You almost can't go wrong with his schtick.

Ok enough about TV

Wait ...Watch INTERVENTION on A&E (Sunday nights after Family Plots, which is also a decent show). An excellent show. A to A+ range. True stories ...full range of emotions here Beavis.

Ok enough about TV. I watch too much TV

Newswire July 25th, 2005

2005-07-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

NEWSWIRE: JULY 25th, 2005 / by Casey O’Brien

***THIS WEEK IN BUSINESS***

California company looks to capitalize on uncomfortable people.
“Missing In Action” stores will include products in all areas of life for people with disabilities, the impaired, bla, bla, etc.

T-Shirts:
--WHEEL CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
My wheelchair, my business

--Mongoloid Looking For An OB-GYN

--Secret Asian Tan

Food:
Life-size Artificial Leg Lollipop Replicas!
Flavors Include:
--Mountain Climbing Accident Cherry Juice
--General Stonewall Jackson’s Gang Green Apple
--Agent Birth Orange Defects

Body:
Quadri-Magic Shavers™. Shaving made easy for quadriplegics.

Accessories:
Leg Bracelets. Cover up those eye sores with these Disguisors™
--Gandalf’s Staff
--He-Man’s Leather Lace-up Boot
--Real ankle

***HISTORY THAT TIME FORGOT*** July 25th--1865 –Returning from retirement, the 58-year-old Appomattox destroys current cage fighting champion Ulysses S. Grant in what was touted as “Appomattox vs. Grant.”
--1909 – Little Brian Unger of London breaks the chimney sweeping world record at the tender age of 9 by sweeping 10 chimneys in one-hour flat.
--2001 – Marking the 92nd anniversary of the chimney sweep world record, Webster’s Dictionary officially includes the phrase “Chimney Sweep” on its list of Italian ethnic slurs.

***ENTERTAINMENT***
Shows to look forward to this fall:

A&E – We all know Benjamin Franklin the inventor and co-founder of American ideals, but perhaps most of his creativity laid behind closed doors. Watch as Franklin’s life is re-created in “Benjamin’s Bare White Ass.”

LIFETIME – Shelley Long thinks she is getting a big comeback chance with her own reality TV show. What she doesn’t know is the 12-person camera crew hired to follow her are all convicted wife beaters. What will happen next is anyone’s guess on this fall’s “Super Long Beatings From Multiple Sources.”

BRAVO – Follow two non-fictional gay men roommates on their dating escapades and struggles within the acting business. Andre can’t wait to play a straight man. Barbie John won’t settle for anything short of big. “Reach Around For The Stars” begins this September.

****BREAKFAST AT GOD’S TABLE****
GOD: Welcome my guests. Nice to see you Luthor Vandross …Johnny Carson, big fan. Oh ..the Pope is here everyone! Yay!
POPE: It is of the most highest honor that…
GOD: Anyways …Luthor, how have you been?
LUTHOR: It is my honor ….
GOD: Yah, yah. Umm. ANDRE!!! Get me a vanilla latte, and don’t jew out on the caramel topping! Seriously, you have to explain everything to that man. You boys need anything? Make that 4 ANDRE!
JOHNNY: I have this great joke for you my Lord.
GOD: Wait, is it the one with the gay, the tranny, and the hemafro? Because I have heard that one.
JOHNNY: No actually, it involves Babs and James Brolin.
GOD: Have you guys seen Blow Out on Bravo? That Jonathan …helloooo handsome! I get to eat breakfast with him soon …shhh.

***QUOTE OF THE WEEK***

“Listen. To be the best, you have to be the besss ….shit. I fucked that one up. I always fuck that one up.”
---God

The Story of Cannibalism

2005-07-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Their once was a Indian named Chief, and at the age of 50, Chief decided he needed to see the rest of the world. He had successfully taken care of his tribe for over 30-years and felt he earned a vacation. He quickly went to the nearest bar to ask the bartender where he should go to experience these great lands. The bartender, known to the townsfolk as the holder of necessary information, told him of the many places he should travel. Chief kindly thanked the bartender and asked his name before he started his journey. The bartender replied, "Jim Beam."

I am looking into Scientology

2005-07-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

Ok ..Tom Cruise.

We have heard about Tom and this whole Scientology thing ...plus I just went to see his new movie. I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone, but basically the movie is about God trying to get rid of Scientologists. He sends these alien tripods down to mother Earth to scorch these weirdos. As they killed Scientologists right and left, the tripods would bellow things like, "You are right! You shouldn't take medicine for a dusted torso," and "Take this anti-tripod-biotic ...Oops! Too late you natural weirdo." However, Tom Cruise's character, Guido Pene Cilian, kept getting away. Fast forward 2+ hours ...and bam...Guido is still alive. What does this mean? It means that if he can survive all that he survived ...then count me in. I am going to Barnes and Nobles as soon as I sell my tripod and buy a car (way better on gas). I will be reading up on my Scientology.

Gimme an 'F'

2005-07-03T00:22:00.000-07:00

This is a movie from 1984 ..that I had never heard of. I watched it on HBO. It certainly makes my top 10 for worst movies of all-time. However, it at least has that 'so bad it is funny' thing happening.

If you look on IMDB.COM (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087333/) ..and check the lone review for GIMME AN F ....
_____________________________________________________________________________
User Comments:

0 out of 1 people found the following comment useful:-
Gotta See This One!, 22 September 1999
Author: sparky-76 from LA, CA, USA

Okay, I'm kidding, the film is a cheap "Meatballs" ripoff that's beyond bad. I had to see it because I went to junior high school with one of the female leads, a snotty actress who thought she was going to be the next Meryl Streep. This was as far as she ever got. I suspect she now thinks she did one movie too many. Hahahaha! Neener neener! That inside joke is the biggest laugh you'll get from this movie.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Wow -- This dude is still bitter about this "snotty actress" not going to the prom with him or something. He probably also stalked her at some point ..and masturbated in her shoes.

Anyway ...it is certainly one of the worst movies ...but still does not come close to THE ADVENTURES OF A GNOME NAMED GNORM (starring Anthony Michael Hall ..1991?). I still can't get people to watch that damn movie. So bad ...it is NOT entertaining. Somehow it is still worth watching. I can relate it to watching FACES OF DEATH when I was little. People around a table beating monkeys to death with hammers = Detective Anthony Michael Hall teaming up with a 2-foot gnome from the center of the earth who needs to get sun into his light crystal to save his species. One in the same.

KC

Smashing Pumpkins are back

2005-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
Billy tells us this on the day of his record release. Think that was planned at all? Sell sell sell.

News News News

2005-06-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

Allo ...

I have already told some of you, but for the rest ...I am moving again! Yay! What a huge surprise!!! I really like it here in Arizona, but I don't know exactly what I want to be doing at this point. Well, the only thing I know is that I want to write. So I am going to take the road most travelled by writers. What is this Casey? Writing school? Script writing classes? You are purchasing "How to sell books" by Don Lapre? No no no ...I am moving to South Korea.

South Korea ...land of the ... and home of the .... Well I am sure I will learn something about South Korea in the very near future. I am going in about a month. I will be teaching English to unsuspecting children. I can outsmart the little ones most of the time. It seems everyone knows people who have done this teaching overseas thing ..and that is really the main reason why I am going. I want you to know someone who has taught overseas ("Yeah, I know this guy who did that!") Really? There are many reasons ...but basically for the experience and to give me some sort of focus.

Originally I was set out for Japan, but for boring reasons ...It ended up being Korea. So there.

I will definitely post my thoughts whenever I get the chance. (www.kctw.blogspot.com
Remember that!) I already have a couple of posts on this site ...and I want to apologize to the polish man with regards to the poem about Ross. I promised him secrecy. Also, I will try and stay away from the mundane talk and jokes regarding a different culture.

Example: "How could I have known 'please' in English means 'Rats shall eat your eldest son' in Korean?

Ok ..i will have some of that ..but I will make them all up at least. I will try and come up with something extra though. Some characters ...etc.

Please feel free to leave feedback on the site as well. I will be ever so lonely in my new country ...and will be nice to hear from a non-8-year-old foreigner that pronounces my name "kuh-see." IT'S FUCKING CASEY! Sorry. Just a glimpse into my future. Sorry.

What else? I guess that is about it for now. I am comfortable with the whole idea. I have been planning this for awhile.

2005-06-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

Who is that 6'4, hunched backed, crooked toothed wizard? Why it's Billy Corgan!, and I am going to see him July 12th in Los Angeles ...and you are not.

Ross Beeley

2005-05-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

If you ask which way Ross Beeley does sway?
I would answer not with the wind or sea,
but with a Polish man, 6 foot 3.
For Ross is surely gay!

Hello

2005-05-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog.