Hey! It's "Moose" & "Pumpkin!"

People give out nicknames, or call people things that you have no idea what they actually mean. It is usually either in two forms; From an adult to a kid, or a girl to a guy. I am going to tell you what some of those names mean.

When somebody calls you "Moose," it can mean two different things depending upon how old/big you are. If you are a big adult, "Moose" means that you are a pig. A fat fucking pig. Now when my Little League coach called me "Moose," he was really saying that I was a little bony chipmunk who needed encouragment so I didn't cry when the ball was coming my way. Get it? So adult = pig, and kid = Tiny Tim.

This plays into the nicknames like "champ" and "chief." If you are called this, they are really telling you that you're an incapable drivel, and since they are bigger and better than you, they will eventually save the day. It doesn't mean that you are the best in the world at anything, or are some kind of leader, no matter what the words actually mean. So don't put it on a hat, ok #1 Dad?

"Big Guy" = same deal as Moose. Adult = fat fucking pig, and kid = tiny asshole.

If an old man comes up to you and calls you ***"Super Chief," well that is just cool, now isn't it? There are always exceptions. Pay attention.

What about the nicknames that girls call guys? If a girl calls you "darling," and you are not married to that girl or living in Alabama, then let me buy you your first gift certificate for some Coco Chanel. "Oh, I love this fragrance! How about a lemon martini?"

"Pumpkin" means that if you are not actually a pumpkin, you are a JagBag who parts his hair on the side with one those free combs on school picture day. Mom is getting the 8x10s! The same goes for "precious." You had better live in Florida homey, or you will never stand a chance with the girl who just called you "precious."

I wouldn't complain without offering up some solutions. Now that would make me a jerk.

Feel safe about calling kids the following:

"(insert their name)"

And for you girls, some no-brainers for those guys are:

"Super Chief"
"Iron Man"
"Huge Weener Guy"
______________

*** A friend was actually called this once upon a time while he was working at a movie theatre.

Something I Remember

My Great Uncle Jack, who has since passed, had a short conversation with me at a wedding once that I will never forget. About 80-years-old and looking 65, he was sitting at a table with another uncle of mine. I was sitting just below them on some sort of ledge on the ground eating a dessert. We started talking about foreign cars and how they took over a long time ago. My Uncle Jack was going on and on about the greatness of Japanese car business with his two sentence comments equaling that of most people's bumbling four sentences. I finally asked him, "So why don't you have a Japanese car?" He replied, "Because they tried to kill me during the war."

The other uncle at the table was my Uncle Hidenori "Hank" Fukui.