Our Christmas Cards (with appropriate name)

Dear Ross Beeley,

Merry Christmas!!! We hope you, Ross Beeley, are having a wonderful time these holidays!

We decided to send all of our closest friends and family a Christmas card as this is our first year in Chicago. We will NEVER write one of those “one size fits all” Christmas cards, Ross Beeley, because we feel each of you deserves a personal messsage. So how are your kids (insert name) and (insert name)? He/She (They) must be getting so big! The last we heard, (insert name), had won the big school competition! Congrats to him/her! We don't have kids, but we might as well with our two kittens Professor Plympton and Jean Hackman. Like children, we have to feed and sometimes pay attention to them.

As you can imagine, Chicago is burrrrr cold during the winter, but it is such an amazing and beautiful city. We are always greeted with the amazing skyline while stuck in traffic. Traffic is bad, but we have both perfected a breathing technique with a brown paper bag. How is your city? Winters there are beautiful too, so we are all lucky!

(paragraph 4 here)

Well, Ross Beeley, please keep in touch this year! Tell the kids (insert name) and (insert name) that we said HELLO and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Here is to us all having a wonderful 2009!

Sincerely,

(signature here)

Jenn & Casey

WHAT A CROCK!

(middle finger) = Freeze that!

Why do all women have to freeze food if there are leftovers, only to throw it away 5 months later with the typical, "WHAT IS THAT?", or "Oh I forgot we had that." I can't even see freezing loaves of bread. I hear why women think they need to freeze loaves of bread ..."so it is there when we need it."

TIME TO DRIVE TO STORE: 9-25 minutes
TIME TO DEFROST: 9-25 hours

I come to you with this important message because I made too much food yesterday while using a glorious cooking tool called the slow cooker (or also known as the "Crock-Pot", as you "Kleenex" and "Chapstick" brand brainwashed people would call it). I made enough chili-spaghetti for about 12 people, so there are leftovers. What did my girlfriend and her mother say? "Oh you can freeze that." What did the lady at work say? Same, same. I am a DUDE. I follow the typical dude route for food. I eat too much during the initial meal. The next day I eat it for breakfast or lunch, then for dinner. I am sick of it the following day, but manage to squeeze it in for one more lunch. If there is any left ...BYE! BYE! Why in the M-F would I want to freeze it, thaw it out in a month, and then eat it again.

TIME TO MAKE NEW CHILI-SPAGHETTI: 4-6 HOURS
TIME TO THAW AND EAT AGAIN: 4-6...MEGA-YEARS!

Back to the slow cooker though for a minute.....

My mother and a few friends (some sweet, sweet dudes) use this thing and actually talk about using it like it was worth telling a story about.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY DOG ROLL ON THE GROUND YESTERDAY!
LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF MY BABY!

Well let me tell you something people ...a slow cooker is much more interesting and glorious than a dog or a baby, and should be talked about. SEE BLOG!

You can throw just about anything in there and it will come out beautiful. Just to experiment, I threw a hobo's left moccasin in with some paprika, jello shots, and a 64 ounce fountain blue slushy ...and out came a wonderful pork pot roast. IT WAS JUICY!

Many Months Of Updating: My Cats Are Watching Soaps

Right now:
I am home at work in Chicago while my two cats are in the front/tv room watching soaps with my girlfriend's mother who is visiting for the week. I don't want my damn cats watching soaps. Last time I walked out to check on them (kittens), they seemed interested in the story line and that has me worried a bit. I have no problem dragging a couple of cats to the river if this problem persists. By the way, One is a long haired black boy (NOT AFRO-AMERICAN) named "Professor Plympton," and the other is a orange tiger girl named "Jean Hackman." She started out with an anus on the outside of her body. Hi.

How I got here:
The last time I blogged was in June and I was living in Phoenix with my best friend and his wife. In July, I moved in with my girlfriend Jenn. I have always wanted to move to Chicago ...so after my company went under and was bought out by another company (again), I got the OK to move ...and so we did (October) after an awful closing (The financial market called me a whiny asshole. RUDE!) I work from home and it is pretty good so far. We live a few miles from downtown in a 3rd floor condo.

What I have missed:
PIRATES! I blogged about them a couple of times a year or two ago. This stuff is fascinating. I am glad it is finally a big deal in the world. There have been hundreds of pirate movies, shows, cartoons and stories from your Uncle Terry ("Campfire Terry" ...the one in jail). Let me ask you ...what is the difference between those old awesome pirates and the pirates of today? It is the same exact stuff now minus the vests and plus AFRO-AMERICAN jeans.

HOMELESS! Phoenix vs. Chicago Edition!
The Chicago homeless are a much more refined people than the homeless in Phoenix. Don't get me wrong, they are both still without D-O for the B-O and claim hunger, BUT the Chicago homeless shoot for the stars.
Phoenix Homeless Dude: "Spare change?" ....(No)
Chicago Homeless Dude: " Hey man. Listen. I am trying to get my driver's license and I need to get to the DMV, but I don't have money for a bus, and my friend is at work. I just need $3 to get there. Don't turn me away for no $3. ....(No) ...but close!

NEW GUY AT WORK:
I am avoiding his calls as we speak. I have 4 voicemails and all from him. He is a new sales dude named "WHAT? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? HUH?" He was on a phone call yesterday and needed help. He goes over to the black sales guy (Fulton) and says the following, "Hey can you help me call this guy back? Thanks because he is colored." Fulton replies, "What color is he?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Say hello to my day maker!
Fulton later told him that since he is older (new guy is mid to late 40s), he should know there have been about 4 names changes since "colored." Oh! He has also looked for and found two co-workers in the men's restroom to ask work questions. Can you imagine? It is bad enough that people stand next to you in the urinal trying to chit-chat ("ahhh. yeah! I'm peeing. See?")

NEW GUY: Hey Fulton! You in there?
FULTON: What the MF
NEW GUY: Which stall are you in because I just wanted to know where the copier is.
FULTON: Yes..because that can't wait. ooh!

Meet My Friend Ralph:
I got the flu over Thanksgiving weekend and the first sprayage, like during a final in college, went out the mouth, into my very late hand, bouncing onto my shirt. And you people use toilets. LOSERS!

Halloween:
I went as Jesus. Everyone else went as ...I WAS JESUS. Nothing like drinking beer with plastic hair in your mouth. Thank you beard of Jesus.

Larry & Kate:
My friends I mentioned above had a baby a couple of weeks ago. His name is Andrew Thomas, and he is the new sales guy at work. HUH? Superrrrrrr Zing!

Jerry Garcia Lives:
On the 1st floor of my condo building with a Russian lady who chased us down the street our first night here to tell us there is good food "over there." We found out "over there" meant absolutely nothing to us because we did not know our area. Shit, she may not have even said "over there" with that accent of hers. Now that I think about it, it kind of sounded like "Grover Cleveland Alexander." You know how foreigners are obsessed with U.S. Presidents. Well he looks like Jerry anyway.

Fiery Furnace:
Yes, the FIERY FURNACES is an excellent band comprised of an asshole brother of sister, but I am talking about the furnace in our condo. It is really loud from MF'd up fan. I really thought I was going to die our first night here and Jenn laughed and laughed at me. NERD ALERT! For all you fans of the overrated (first 3) and underwhelming and non-up-to-snuff (last 3) Star Wars movies (Huh? Superrrr Zing!) ...imagine one of those Darth's landing his saucer in the middle of your dark living room. Ok..laugh all you want...but those furnaces have FIRE! Real life FIRE!

That is all I have at this moment...but Chicago is great. Great city with always something to do and see. The people aren't T-Tards and pretty damn nice. I will be here for awhile.

kc