My New Favorite Country

Somalia is easily my favorite country right now, and it isn't because it is normally #1 on my list of "poor countries that make me thankful for having 28 pairs of shoes." No, no. It is because Somalia is home to some of the coolest people I have ever read about. Yes, I know using the word "coolest" is quite sophomoric of me, but these super rad people make me think I am 9-years-old again reading about dragons, knights and PIRATES!!! PIRATES!!! PIRATES I SAY!! There are Pirates in Somalia!

(Sidenote: There may be a reply attached to this very post soon from my dad. He will try to say that I did not actually read until I was 14-years-old. He may also say that I had Puff The Magic Dragon and Superwoman Underoos, but most of it is a lie. He is a known liar.)

If you can name 5 things better than a pirate ...then I will give you my soul to eat.
Paul Bunyan (check)
and that is it. Ok...try to name TWO things better than a pirate.

These Somali pirates are doing the exact same thing as the pirates of old. They are hungry black men with rocket propelled bazookas and machine guns who storm vessels on the deep sea ...and plunder! Well I say plunder away my dear heroes! Any team that can get in a four man fishing boat with a single engine and hold captive cargo vessels and cruiseships gets my full endorsement and support. They have attacked 35+ ships this year alone and have held the crews and cargo over 7 ships. Still trying to think of something cooler than that? Just stop. Stop.

Fathom people. You get together your buddies Dan, Parker, Trish and Yani. Now you go grab some machine guns from Paul, the local Ohio Militia man who swears he will never pay federal taxes, and if they ever come to pay him a visit, he will be ready. Next, go get a small motor boat. Now go a few miles off shore from your nearest ocean and try taking over a Carnival Cruise liner.

Yani: Yo, yoooo! Here comes a cruiseship! Get your guns ready.
Cruiseship: HORNNNNNNN HORNNNNNNN
...and Doppler Effect. Hear it go right on by.
Parker: Next one man. You could tell that one had women and children onboard.

It can only be explained as the next coming of another great pirate era. Sure, the weapons are a bit updated, and these pirates are more hungry, but that will happen. The basic things to think about are that they are water warriors beating down the man with all the odds stacked against them. You want to ship some chirpy Europeans to some exotic destination? You want to bring some raw materials into South Africa? You want to live? Well then PAY THE PIRATES!!!

Maybe the best thing about these Somali pirates is that they have a "mothership." This "mothership" disperses the smaller boats to lure vessels into Somali waters (by fake emergency flares, and umm ...rocket propelled bazookas). Now you think this "mothership" is going to be the grand poobah of all ships, right? This "mothership" has a crew of 10. That's right! TEN. They even have an engineer. One cruiseliner they took hostage had hundreds of people.

There are two things I want to come of all this pirating.
1)I want the U.N. to protect these fine pirates. These vessels have been warned to stay 200 miles away from the coast of Somalia because of the pirates, and they have not. Maybe the U.N. can come out with some t-shirts titled "P.L.U.N.D.E.R. Pirates Love United Nations der." It would be huge with Canadians.
2)When these Somali Pirates finally take hostage someone of importance (queen, head of state, minister of doom, Jean Claude Van Damme, etc), I hope we get to see everything unfold on live television.SCENE: We see a pirate asking for 150 million dollars or something in exchange for this important person. We see the important person in the background with a gag and a black eye ...Well all that isn't important, just setting the scene. What I really want is for the anchor on NBC (etc) giving the live report saying, "We are now getting reports that the person actually talking calls himself "The Blacker Knife Carrier." His two comrades in the background want to be known as "Justice, No Way," and "Dark Dangerbeard."" Cool pirate names gone bad due to only two months of english taught by some priest in a Somali village in 1992. That would really make my week.

But, we are just going to have to see how this all plays out. I am so excited about this, so I am sure I will be keeping you all up to date.

Naming Your Baby ...Casey

Everybody grew up with a certain name niche. Depending on your family, friends, area, heritage etc, you may only want to agree with a certain few names while naming a baby. For example, on my dad's side of the family, we have the Irish thing going. Casey, Maggie Colleen, Micheal Patrick, O'Tater McDrunk, etc. On my mom's side, they are a bit more creative(?), because that is what they are used to. Fedra, Eliza, Elijah, Granada, Brock, Orange Peel, etc Sort of like Soap names.

Today on Captain Bartrum's Ridge ....
Brock: I think we should think about our life together, not apart
Orange Peel: You don't love me.
Brock: Damn you Orange Peel. You are right. Let us be together as one.
Orange Peel: But, but ....(kissing to the max follows)

What I am saying it that it is pointless to ask your friends or family what you should name your child. Everybody will try and force their name niche on you. Your friend Trent may like the names Roger, #2 Pencil, and Gary, while your friend Pam really thinks you should name your son Ole' Whitey, Harold or Vinny. Your stoner friend wants Marley and your meathead friend wants "uhhh." Your Italian friend wants "Spread-ah the cheese ah all over mya body-ah." All of your friends and family will never agree.

Also, through the years I have heard some really questionable rules regarding naming your baby.
"I can't name my baby Samuel because my neighbor's dog is named Samuel."
"My friend Stacey already called dibs on Johnny Cobra."
"I am Irish, so Xiou Xiang Xiang just doesn't fit."

SO WHAT!

You still have the last name, which is the all important one in terms of heritage. If you are lady, you are saying well I lose my last name when I get married. Well too fucking bad. Don't change your name then. I never understood that anyway. It is your family name, so if you want it, keep it.

There are no rules anymore with naming your child. None. But don't forget that some names have a heavy price to pay by its bearer.
Elvira: A 3rd grade punch in the face by Chad, the fastest kid in the 3rd or 4th grades.
Hannibal: A wedgie and a swirlie by his high school wrestling teammates.
Aquarius: A Jean Claude Van Damme double roundhouse to the collar bone.
Heinrich Himmler: Death

So what should I name my baby?
Pam: blablablabla
Dan: blablablabla
Mom: blablablabla
Casey: Casey!

DING!!!!

Casey is the answer to any problem with naming a child. Girl ...Casey. Guy ...Casey. I have even met several dogs named Casey. I would say Casey is a tri-sexual name, but I don't think anyone has a dog growing out of their crotch. With that said, I have yet to travel to Romania.

Things That Bother Me

Someone used the term "craving sweets" the other day to me when they were talking to me, and I can not get it out of my mind. It has been bothering me for three days now.
Craving Sweets
Craving Sweets
Craving Sweets
Yah ...I hate it.

It bothers me like scratching nails on a chalkboard bothers others. Since those types of actions do not really bother me (another example would be scraping a pop sickle stick on your teeth), god has hit me with things that people say. Little terms that people say that get under my skin.

Craving Sweets - If you are not at least 72-years-old, you are not allowed to say this. I am going to put the maximum age at 73 and a half. You get a full 1 year and a half to say "craving sweets." Also, during this 1 year and a half, you can only use the saying one time. If you remember to say it during this period of time, you can not say it around me.

Moist - Not only is this word annoying, it is also disgusting. Moist is used most when people are talking about cake. They are normally middle aged women that really love discussing cake. "Oh my god. This cake is so moist." "Moist cake! How did you do it?" "Betty Crocker right? No? Then how is it so moist?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Can we switch out moist with ...
--watery goodness
--not dry
--oily
--crisco'd motha fucka
--very good

Tender - Wow. I think of this word in food terms as well. "This chicken is so tender!" "Hey man. You are the grill master! Very Tender Chicken Todd." Other forms of the word do not bother me at all ...
Meat "tenderizer"
Torn "tender" ...heehee. Sort of like a really nice hick explaining his high school wrestling injury.
Legal "tender"
My arm is very "tender" after I fell off the mountain on my tricycle. Ok, I don't like that one either.

"Fall Off The Bone" - I am from the Midwest so talking about ribs (food again, right?) is common. A frequent saying is "Gursh, hardy, well god damnit, gursh durnit, skippy-do! Those ribs fall off the bone!" Apparently the best ribs "fall off the bone." I guess it is because they are so fucking moist and tender, that they fall right off the bone. You can just take a good rib and give it a slight jerk, and fling the valuable tender and moist meat across the room, and still hold on to the bone itself. Seasoning, cooking time, grade of meat and the grillers themselves have no bearing on ribs whatsoever.

There are more, but I am angry now.