Newswire July 25th, 2005

NEWSWIRE: JULY 25th, 2005 / by Casey O’Brien

***THIS WEEK IN BUSINESS***

California company looks to capitalize on uncomfortable people.
“Missing In Action” stores will include products in all areas of life for people with disabilities, the impaired, bla, bla, etc.

T-Shirts:
--WHEEL CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
My wheelchair, my business

--Mongoloid Looking For An OB-GYN

--Secret Asian Tan

Food:
Life-size Artificial Leg Lollipop Replicas!
Flavors Include:
--Mountain Climbing Accident Cherry Juice
--General Stonewall Jackson’s Gang Green Apple
--Agent Birth Orange Defects

Body:
Quadri-Magic Shavers™. Shaving made easy for quadriplegics.

Accessories:
Leg Bracelets. Cover up those eye sores with these Disguisors™
--Gandalf’s Staff
--He-Man’s Leather Lace-up Boot
--Real ankle


***HISTORY THAT TIME FORGOT*** July 25th--1865 –Returning from retirement, the 58-year-old Appomattox destroys current cage fighting champion Ulysses S. Grant in what was touted as “Appomattox vs. Grant.”
--1909 – Little Brian Unger of London breaks the chimney sweeping world record at the tender age of 9 by sweeping 10 chimneys in one-hour flat.
--2001 – Marking the 92nd anniversary of the chimney sweep world record, Webster’s Dictionary officially includes the phrase “Chimney Sweep” on its list of Italian ethnic slurs.

***ENTERTAINMENT***
Shows to look forward to this fall:

A&E – We all know Benjamin Franklin the inventor and co-founder of American ideals, but perhaps most of his creativity laid behind closed doors. Watch as Franklin’s life is re-created in “Benjamin’s Bare White Ass.”

LIFETIME – Shelley Long thinks she is getting a big comeback chance with her own reality TV show. What she doesn’t know is the 12-person camera crew hired to follow her are all convicted wife beaters. What will happen next is anyone’s guess on this fall’s “Super Long Beatings From Multiple Sources.”

BRAVO – Follow two non-fictional gay men roommates on their dating escapades and struggles within the acting business. Andre can’t wait to play a straight man. Barbie John won’t settle for anything short of big. “Reach Around For The Stars” begins this September.

****BREAKFAST AT GOD’S TABLE****
GOD: Welcome my guests. Nice to see you Luthor Vandross …Johnny Carson, big fan. Oh ..the Pope is here everyone! Yay!
POPE: It is of the most highest honor that…
GOD: Anyways …Luthor, how have you been?
LUTHOR: It is my honor ….
GOD: Yah, yah. Umm. ANDRE!!! Get me a vanilla latte, and don’t jew out on the caramel topping! Seriously, you have to explain everything to that man. You boys need anything? Make that 4 ANDRE!
JOHNNY: I have this great joke for you my Lord.
GOD: Wait, is it the one with the gay, the tranny, and the hemafro? Because I have heard that one.
JOHNNY: No actually, it involves Babs and James Brolin.
GOD: Have you guys seen Blow Out on Bravo? That Jonathan …helloooo handsome! I get to eat breakfast with him soon …shhh.


***QUOTE OF THE WEEK***

“Listen. To be the best, you have to be the besss ….shit. I fucked that one up. I always fuck that one up.”
---God

The Story of Cannibalism

Their once was a Indian named Chief, and at the age of 50, Chief decided he needed to see the rest of the world. He had successfully taken care of his tribe for over 30-years and felt he earned a vacation. He quickly went to the nearest bar to ask the bartender where he should go to experience these great lands. The bartender, known to the townsfolk as the holder of necessary information, told him of the many places he should travel. Chief kindly thanked the bartender and asked his name before he started his journey. The bartender replied, "Jim Beam."

I am looking into Scientology

Ok ..Tom Cruise.

We have heard about Tom and this whole Scientology thing ...plus I just went to see his new movie. I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone, but basically the movie is about God trying to get rid of Scientologists. He sends these alien tripods down to mother Earth to scorch these weirdos. As they killed Scientologists right and left, the tripods would bellow things like, "You are right! You shouldn't take medicine for a dusted torso," and "Take this anti-tripod-biotic ...Oops! Too late you natural weirdo." However, Tom Cruise's character, Guido Pene Cilian, kept getting away. Fast forward 2+ hours ...and bam...Guido is still alive. What does this mean? It means that if he can survive all that he survived ...then count me in. I am going to Barnes and Nobles as soon as I sell my tripod and buy a car (way better on gas). I will be reading up on my Scientology.

Gimme an 'F'

This is a movie from 1984 ..that I had never heard of. I watched it on HBO. It certainly makes my top 10 for worst movies of all-time. However, it at least has that 'so bad it is funny' thing happening.

If you look on IMDB.COM (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087333/) ..and check the lone review for GIMME AN F ....
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User Comments:

0 out of 1 people found the following comment useful:-
Gotta See This One!, 22 September 1999
Author: sparky-76 from LA, CA, USA


Okay, I'm kidding, the film is a cheap "Meatballs" ripoff that's beyond bad. I had to see it because I went to junior high school with one of the female leads, a snotty actress who thought she was going to be the next Meryl Streep. This was as far as she ever got. I suspect she now thinks she did one movie too many. Hahahaha! Neener neener! That inside joke is the biggest laugh you'll get from this movie.
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Wow -- This dude is still bitter about this "snotty actress" not going to the prom with him or something. He probably also stalked her at some point ..and masturbated in her shoes.

Anyway ...it is certainly one of the worst movies ...but still does not come close to THE ADVENTURES OF A GNOME NAMED GNORM (starring Anthony Michael Hall ..1991?). I still can't get people to watch that damn movie. So bad ...it is NOT entertaining. Somehow it is still worth watching. I can relate it to watching FACES OF DEATH when I was little. People around a table beating monkeys to death with hammers = Detective Anthony Michael Hall teaming up with a 2-foot gnome from the center of the earth who needs to get sun into his light crystal to save his species. One in the same.

KC